Situation: Rainy tuesday in London (now this is the time i hate rain)
Feeling at the moment: life is tough.
Life is tough because I've been seeing what I didn't have more than what I do have; seeing more of the bad rather than the good; unable to turn things around
Life is tough because the newfound "freedom" of graduation and entering my first career pulled me in different directions that is already upsetting some. I'm pulled between diving into what I know I want versus what I know some would not like me to want.
Life is tough because I honestly think I've aged prematurely due to my work (lol) and it's taking its toll on me and my complexion (it sucks and is so unmanageable lately i feel like i'm experiencing severe delay teenage skin problems which I never really have...
Honestly I've been wanting to say this since my first day in London. It's my second time here but I'm sorry London, I have no idea why I don't love you. I love many countries, I still love you but I just don't like you as much... Maybe third time's a charm? Maybe I'm attracted to a country if it is able to refresh me in an unexpected way, and you're kinda familiar because I am reminded of SG pretty often.
Anyways
I. need. to. do. a. lot. more. self-reflection.
I haven't been the best person this week. I've been really angsty and impatient and I couldn't control my thoughts and my mind and my words. It sucks.
But I just wanna come here and do a reminder to self that as much as my good intentions are really good, I shouldn't try to change somebody's life even if it is for the better. (Sigh how ironic it is) I should let them be happy (but I don't believe they truly are? I don't want you to pretend to be happy, I want you to be truly happy) I feel sad because I really hope that they can live a happier and lighter life because that will feel so much better and they can really enjoy the true essence of life. I am trying to give back the precious things I've gained from the opportunities you worked so hard to provide me with in the first place. But I'm always shot down and misunderstood. I just didn't want them to regret you know. I hoped I could help, to still make it in time, to still be able to enlighten before it's all too late. Because I really hate regrets.
When you try so hard but you not only not succeed, you also failed terribly and shot yourself in your foot.
Sometimes I just keep smiling. I keep smiling and hope that by doing so all my problems will all go away.
P.S I seriously think I will have major jetlags when I get home. Age is catching up already sigh. During my exchange I barely remember any hint of jetlag. I was still seriously wondering why people get jetlags then?