*

Haven't had such quality breaks in a very long while. I'm still surprised at how at peace I am right now this weekend. So so thankful... so grateful this break gave me the space and time to think a little clearer, breathe a little longer, step away a little further... so that I can find back who I really am, who I really want to be, what I really want. 

I even had some time to go for a swim today. I had the pool all to myself and it was pure bliss. Usually I swim my usual laps with breaks in between. But today I swam all the way without stopping, except for the 5 seconds to defog (?) my goggles after every two laps lol. Swimming used to be my go-to activity whenever I feel like life is so heavy and saturated in my mind, and when I feel depressed and rejected. Ever since I got better, I swam less because I kinda didn't want to be reminded that hey I used to use that time under waters to convince myself that things will be okay... that I am good enough. I didn't want to be reminded of that tough cloudy period of my life.

But today's the official start of replacing this activity with better memories and attitudes! Through my strokes, I just let my thoughts flow through me again and again. It was like a well-oiled train that keeps going and going and going. It's one of the reasons why I felt my usual laps felt so short. 

Felt really good to get my breathing steady and normal again. I spent some mindful time in the jacuzzi area and honestly, I felt like I was in nirvana.

*

Saturday was just a really grateful day and at the end of the night, I just have a really thankful heart. For all the people I'm blessed with. For all the people who taught me lessons. For my heart and soul who stayed strong and pulled through everything so far. I hope we will continue to get stronger and better. Sincerely happy for the good things that happened to friends who deserved them. Sincerely hoping that we will all grow up well together and be happy and contented. Sincerely hope that I will not lose sight of the bigger picture, to always remember that I need to work hard, that I need to put in more effort to cherish and make time for who and what matters most. 

Hmm and I sincerely hope that one day I can feel my heart flutter with no holding back. Too many times, I let go and let my heart feel what it wants... only to have to fight within myself to restrain it and limit its high hopes and glorified optimism.

It is a part of moving on that I think I keep getting better at ...

I don't need to be the luckiest. But I hope I can be lucky enough. 

*

"God wants a child’s heart, but a grownup’s head. He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim."

- C.S. Lewis

when we were young

Fell in love with this song the first time I heard it.

Such bittersweetness...

Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move...
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true

But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment?
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God
This reminds me, Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

I was so scared to face my fears
Cause nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me

You still look like a movie
You still sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

*

It's hard to win me back 

Everything just takes me back 

To when you were there 

To when you were there 

And a part of me keeps holding on 

Just in case it hasn't gone 

I guess I still care 

Do you still care?

Hello again.

I survived!!!! not.

I'm so proud of myself for getting to work earlier than my usual times today. I do get that productivity and efficient boost from starting my day right and it lasted all the way till.... Lunch. (Note: no caffeine till this point in time.)

Everything was downhill after lunch omg. I don't believe it's food coma but the inertia to nap was SO strong. And because I started the day right, I wanted to start some good habits right. So I gave myself a challenge to reduce my reliance on caffeine (coffee/tea) during work days. (The 2 weeks break was enough to break my heavy reliance on coffee that few weeks before the holidays.) So i refused to get my usual drink after lunch... but oh man I should have. It was so unbearable hahahaha. So I completed my no-caffeine challenge but failed to stay awake till night.

I came back home and napped till 930pm, woken up by my dad who came back with our delayed luggages!!! yay! and then everything's a blur with dinner supper and airbnbing and i'm here.

Good night, i'll be back with updates about my UK experiences.

Dear diary,

Dear diary,

I am back!

I've never really returned from a holiday feeling this depressed. And wow why am I bombarded with bad news and more bad news within the first few hours since I touched down? (Mentally FML-ed to myself so many times but oh wells STAPH)

Hmmmmm, this wasn't what I pictured for myself and I'm not going to let it affect my original goals.

I just want to note down these words spoken to me (and for anyone who could use a timely reminder) through these 2 precious weeks: that I need to remember that I am beautiful and good, and that I must never allow anyone to make me think otherwise. If anyone does tell me otherwise, they are bad people, as simple as that. These 2 weeks I learnt that there are actually many more jerks out in the society than I thought there was. Though sad, but true.

Couldn't be more thankful for these words that gave me a timely reminder about where I should be in my life right now. Couldn't be more thankful for my uncle for all these bits and pieces of golden tips in life. They came at a much-needed time.

It really has been a great 2 weeks and I'm so glad and thankful for it, and that I spent it with my dearest family.

Wanted to summarise a few things I've learnt but a little tired to be typing so many words at once. It's been a while. Hopefully in the next few days!

Feel so proud of myself that I'm heading off to work in a few more hours' time when I just touched down not long ago...

But you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm an adult now.

BE POSITIVE AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE PAIGE.

Lots of love,
PPJ xx