Writing Chinese words is quite therapeutic. 

Those unique characters used to ooze effortlessly out of my pen. Whichever word I think of, I can write it. But I can feel that I'm losing touch with it. It must have been years since I last wrote any proper Chinese. No matter how great I was at it, no matter how it has been my strongest subject, a lack of practice will make your skill deteriorate. 

No matter how strong or talented you were at something, with lack of practice, you can still lose it eventually. 

This week can be said to be back to the Chinese culture :) Completed watching Red Cliff 2 with my brothers last night and it was so so great. 

非笔墨能形容。

越陌度阡，枉用相存。契阔谈宴，心念旧恩。

First thoughts in the morning

Lately, my first thoughts in the morning goes like these:

• Aww it's so comfy can I still sleep in more
• When I self-answered myself yes it's a wave of happiness
• When I wake up again, thoughts relating to him creeps in

And then I woke up for real. Because I realise it's not reality. 

In bits and pieces, certain thoughts are more enlightening than others, certain thoughts more revealing than others. 

Nobody deserves anyone who ... 

"There is such freedom in just letting go and being - you can never match up to expectations anyway - you can't fit into someone else's screenplay or their character sketch of you - and sometimes you end up being the villian in their movie but it's most important to be the hero of your own story - it's most important that your monologues makes sense to you - let go and enjoy the movie your life is making with you cause it's as epic as you want it to be."

I relate with this a lot. Maybe I feel I ended up being the "villian" 'cause I heard stuffs said about me, which I know is not me. I don't even know how and why. But my conscience is clear and even though I feel like standing up for myself, explaining it to someone whose mind is fixated would be futile. That's the thing i guess. Once the lines of communication are closed, things just go downhill from there because a million misunderstandings, lack of explanations jumbles everything into one big stupid mess. Sometimes I find it really childish. We're no longer kids, you know?

在裕廊的时候

Treasuring my last week of true holidays before work starts :)

Today was wonderful! I love slow days, and nua days. Today is kinda different 'cause I finally headed out for a swim. The sun was shining so fiercely and yay, I kind of gotten my tan, not enough still! It was such bliss to be sitting there in the water, under the sun, with a book in my hands. So so so my type of chill days. How wonderful it is to do that with special people.

After some more me-time I headed out to meet Joc Glen and QT! It's alwayssss a good time to be back with my Jurong teammates. It's quite apt today that I came across articles online relating to friendships and how certain friends will just drift apart for no apparent reason. It got me thinking quite a bit and I really wish to show more love and appreciation to my friends while I still can. Even if the inevitable comes, at least I know I tried on my side to make them stay. I really really do cherish my friends even though sometimes I'm not best at expressing it.

Deep talks with my girls, they were really meaningful ones today. Usually when I talk about these topics, I will feel pretty solemn for a while but today's slightly different. I feel like, I'm safe. I can't really describe that feeling, but being able to speak my honest feelings, and having your friends supporting and understanding you, means so much to me.

Thank you. I'm grateful. I'll keep going.

"When I was younger..... I'd put my arms in my shirt and told people I lost my arms. Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. Slept with all the stuffed animals as a child so none of them got offended. Had that one pen with 4 colours, and tried to push all the buttons at once. Poured soda into the cap and acting like I were taking shots. The hardest decision was choosing which Nintendo game to play. Waited behind a door to scare someone, then leaving because they're taking too long to come out or you had to pee. Faked being asleep, so I could be carried to bed. Used to think that the moon followed my car. Watching two drops of rain roll down window and pretending it was a race. Went on the computer just to use Paint. The only thing I had to take care of was a Tamagotchi. The only 'fake' friends I had were invisible ones. I used to sing in the shower. (Now? I make life decisions in there now.) Swallowed a fruit seed I was scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy. Getting bruised knees heals better than a broken heart. Remember when we were kids and couldn't wait to grow up?"

I remember

I'll try to forget all the milestones I'm supposed to be a part of. 

Heard this over the radio today, didn't know it was a pretty old song. Sometimes, nights like these feel very much like my secondary school days, giving me a certain sense of security. Late nights, taiwanese-chinese songs blasting, just me and myself in my room. Deep in thoughts that I've been trying to push away.

Why him?

Because he is still one of the few people I would drop everything for, if anything happens.

Poem

“I hope we last. I hope we do. But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew."

Can I just forward to the future so that I know what are the things that I should know now, so that I can avoid making mistakes that will cost me to lose something precious to me forever?
Sometimes it's not that you took them for granted. Sometimes you do cherish them so ever dearly but you still lose them. Or rather, they lose you?

Father forgets; W. Livingston Larned

"Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualised you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your court, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much." 

Roman

I am quite thankful that I am in the Romans clan now. Yesterday's session for the brainstorming of OG names got me really happy because it's related to Rome, one of my top few in my list of favourite cities, and Italy of course. I am glad to learn more about the Roman gods too. Really exciting and interesting characters and I can't wait to see how each OG, representing the different gods turn out.

How have you been?

23 May 2015 Saturday

#sunNUS2015 was a rainy one this year. It sucks a little 'cause I was so looking forward to getting tanned under the big bright sun! #teamkampongkias even brought more than one bottle of sunblock for everyone as we are ready to be burnt by the sun. We also brought socks in case our bare feet will hurt from the burning sand. I brought aloe vera too 'cause I didn't want that episode of super bad sunburnt I had from MBS this valentine's day to repeat. It's hilarious how we didn't even use any of it!

It was really fun to be back on the beach and playing captain's ball with old friends. We played quite a few games against others and even though they were short spurts of 8 minutes, it can get really tiring and intense sometimes. That adrenaline rush feels pretty great! I still think I feel closer to myself when doing something active, like playing sports. Hehe I think we played pretty well together for about 4 games? and even though we lost the first knockout game #suay? I still think we're a pretty good team. At least we've got some time to join the fringe events :3

I love the fringe events omg like yay to paddle boating and kayaking! I first tried on the solo kayak and omg I didn't know I was in a super wobbly one until the person told me after I've already sat inside it. I was too lazy to get out and wait for another one so I just tried my best to balance and kayak around haha it was niceeee. The rest of the guys had the double kayaks so it feels pretty nice.
Then I tried paddle boating and the first time round it was pretty scary! But what's the worst that can happen right? You'll just get wet and that's it, and maybe also a few gulps of seawater. Hehe once I got over that paddle boating became much easier! And it's actually quite easy and super shiok once you get the hang of it. Beyond that, I laughed so much it hurts and I had to fall back in the waters sometimes, and laugh some more.

:)

I've never hated myself for the body that I'm born with. I've been consistently hitting the gym every week since the start of 2015, doing short runs and light weights. I told myself my body is good, it just needs a bit of work and effort. I know that it will never look lean/petite/slender naturally and I just need to work my body type to its optimum. But lately I feel that I probably can't reach that stage. I will still keep trying though.

:)

This is the #11 thing.
I am speechless, about why all these still happen? That we are in the same event, on the same day, in the SAME fixtures group, and playing against each other in the first game. There are 30 over teams in captain's ball and what are the chances that we'll be paired to play against each other? This could be fate, and if it isn't, I don't know what it is.

All that I know is that it is an unfamiliar form of experience to be able to see you again even in bits and pieces of time.
But at the same time I am sad that I can't even talk to you, not even ask you how have you been?
I was on the brink of breaking all these silences that's been here for so long, just to ask how you are. But would you have liked that I do that? Would it be best for us?

This could be one amazing opportunity that I've to let go, because I think the time isn't right. For you.
I have so much to feel. I feel sad. Maybe I lost the key. Maybe this is the right thing to do. I know I am more courageous than before, but maybe this requires even more.
But I think you'll have the peace you need without me saying anything.
And I pray and hope that this is the mature right decision for us both. 

When we first shook hands after our game you didn't even look at me.
But thank you for saying hi to me. I really appreciate it.

"He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have."  - Socrates

Gain some, lose some

It has been a crazy weeeeeeek.

I have been eagerly waiting for summer hols since finals period and honestly I really feel that taking a break is better for my soul and mental well-being. (I am glad I still feel the same way now) I look forward to weeks when time passes slower, and I have more sustainable periods of serenity and peace. That's what breaks are for right?

My 1st week: sloth mode on. I took some time to readjust my body clock and have a little more sleep time. It felt super long since I could wake up anytime I want.

Here comes week 2 coming to an end, and I am so glad that I have cleared most of this week's errands. You know for the first time I am so excited and looking forward to a non-work/study related holiday. Like a true holiday, and I have found a dear friend to spend it meaningfully with. I have plans for a short get-away to Vietnam. To visit beautiful sceneries and basically, an adventurous trip of self-discovery. To be lost in a new culture, to explore, to learn... It was spontaneity at its best. Everything was perfect.

Until....... </3

Gain some, lose some.

Let nature forever humble you.

Ciao bella/bello

Reflettere is very similar to the Italian word Riflettere, which means to reflect. Writing

Somewhere sometime last year, I began to grow an interest in European cultures and languages during my exchange and I think they are really beautiful. I've been keeping a look out for these languages, particularly Italian and French, ever since and it brings me a special joy.

There is this quote by an Italian director Federico Fellini which I find so true,

Un diverso linguaggio è una visione diversa della vita.

which translates to "A different language is a different version of life."

Knowing foreign languages is akin to having multiple keys to open the doors of excitingly different worlds. How amazing is that? It makes me want to be a polyglot at some point.

To a beautiful past.