Maybe it's time to admit I am weak and not so wise afterall.
I really really really wish now, that I haven't met you.
Thinking about how my life would turn out without you and all the shit you brought me, while you are there caring only about your reputation, disgusts me so terribly.
I thought I was the only one who could see your kind heart and I stood by you. I stood by you even when times are tough and I stood by you even when I'm struggling. Do you, even know how I feel?
But now, I don't even dare to imagine the kind of things you spoke of me to your friends.
The things you think are the truth, are so ridiculously untrue. I guess I'm both lucky, and unlucky, to hear stuffs about what you've said about me to others, from other people's mouths. It's so unbelivable yknow.
I'm sure you know it deep down yourself, who was the one who got hurt badly.
I used to choose not to say anything much about us, anything bad about you simply because I understand why you do certain things and I believe and trust you. But lately even the people I talk to, pointed out that I am still protecting you even before I realise it myself.
But now, knowing that you haven't done the same for me... I feel too tired to continue on knowing that what I'm doing, is like slotting coins in a coin machine that will never give me the drink. Believing and trusting you was good for myself honestly, for quite a good while. But now I'm not so sure even of my beliefs of you. Maybe it's time to stop, and to be realistic about what it is now. I really hate to have to do this, because I believe that it's fairer to judge you based on how you've been with me. What everybody else says about, will to some extent, be a little biased, or a little exaggerated, or a little twisted. I thought trusting you from my own knowledge of you is the most suitable way. But the reasons cease to exist now, more and more lately. Time will reveal everything to me slowly.
You know, with all being said. Maybe it's still my fault. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to believe in your words, for wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, for being in denial, and being unable to accept the truth. Truth hurts. Maybe that is why I never truly understood why what happened to us, happened. Even till today. When people asked me, my answer remains the same. I really said I don't know. Maybe because the truth hurts, that you didn't dare to tell it to me honestly right from the start. And how much pain could I have been spared, if only you had been courageous enough to tell me the truth I deserve. I'm the kind of person, who rather be given the truth than be given a sweet lie. It will hurt terribly but at least you can shorten my pain.
*
I have a feeling, that we both have different versions of the story. Time has passed long enough, that maybe it's completely different and even inaccurate now. The state that we are now ain't helping too. So. It's okay. Let it remain that way then, let you remain that way, let me be the person who lost in this story.
Looking back, I begin to see certain things and the things I used to be harsh on myself for, the personal goals of mine to become better so that I'm happy and you're happy, the things I had to do to make my life more bearable when I'm missing you like crazy but you're in camp, all that feelings and thoughts put into this, I don't know what to say. When something doesn't work out, it's never one person's fault. It take two hands to clap, and if I'm the only one who's cherishing what we have so much more than you, if I'm the only one who can see the future even though when we are growing up together it gets a little bumpy, one day I'll tire out and just not be right. It's funny, I thought I will tire out faster than you, but apparently not. I didn't know I'm stronger than you this way.
The consolation I can seek comfort in, is that at least the life I'm living now, is so beautiful and insightful that every day I'm thankful just to be alive. I seek comfort that I'm recovering, and that I'm happy I can recover, and I'm proud of myself. "What's past has passed, and there is no point looking back when the road ahead is long and the scenery beautiful." I will lead my life, and you yours. Good energy is surrounding me now, and like what I've learnt from you, I will never let them go like how you let me go.
No comments:
Post a Comment