And now the question is:

Do I want to be thrown into the deep sea or do I want to be in good hands?

Was watching Masterchef Australia on teevee and it was featuring the pressure test where the three contestants had to create a croquembouche.

When I first started watching I wondered why they had to make cooking, which in my opinion is a relaxing and enjoyable activity, so stressful??? Like it spoils the fun out of it :(

But what this show really showed me is that the impossible can be possible, and sometimes even if you screw up in the middle, you might end up with the best dish still.

Really like Colin Sheppard, who is so fatherly and I feel is such a genuine kind man. Like his eyes... there's something so sincere and genuine in those eyes of his. It's really rare nowadays. And I wish I can meet people like that in Singapore too. I have a feeling that the City life sucks out the kindness in people.

Ok. Don't wanna research further in case I realised he doesn't win or something.

*

My third interview today, and I hope the last for this year. 

I've reached a point when I'm so irritated with myself for being unable to reach a decision.

This weekend is a little disorganised and disoriented for me but I shall try to save the last few hours to do something productive for myself. Time to tame my discipline, shall not watch too much movies even though they really brighten my day sometimes. Time for more books reading, more exercise, more decluttering of my forever messy room.

Speaking of the current mood, I really love the smell of rain.

And so, when you truly like someone, you’re serious about it. Not the kind of half-arsed waiting for universe signs to decide what you’re going to do. Or telling them for whatever reason you’re unable to be with them right now. No. You will be committed to your feelings. You will do your best. You will try all what’s in your power to make them happy even if it means not having your feelings reciprocated. Although it’s true that such desire to have your feelings reciprocated is inevitable, your liking them doesn’t begin or end there. When you truly like someone, you like them for the person they are. You like them for the rawness and realness when they’re with you. You’re grateful for their ever being born into this world and crossing your path, for being a spark in your dark days and teaching you so much about life and love. 

Truly liking someone might mean different things to different people but you’re sure they will agree with you that it’s a damn good teacher. It teaches you to be patient, tolerant, and go beyond yourself. It teaches you that if you want to like someone and care for them, you need to like yourself and care for yourself first. More importantly, you need to trust that they are capable of liking and caring for themselves too and let they do so in their own time. You also need to believe that they deserve happiness and the personal choices they make. That’s how you will gain the strength to keep on going, to find your own happiness, to have a place for them in your heart without bitterness or pain no matter what answer they will have for you.

"They say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but fact is, with you, I always did. Not a day went by I didn't thank the stars or worship the earth you walked on. That's real loss. To know what you have, cherish every moment, and then watch it slip away." 

Beau Taplin // Until it's gone

You need to tell yourself these little things that you picked up day by day, but which may slipped off your mind amidst life.

Who he is now is not the same person you fell in love with.  

- So there is no reason for you to keep fighting to stay in that love. 

The qualities of him which you used to admire and respect so much, has faded and are being replaced with something else. Something which you'd lose respect for someone for. 

And without respect, there would be no love. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes the people closest to you, your family, are the very person who will bring you down? Who are the least supportive. Who see the bad in your good intention. Who by default, put fault and blame on you first, before understanding.

2 incidents I've witnessed this week.

*

Suddenly I feel so scared and vulnerable.

This path brought me to light, but is this time that I watch out for myself, and for the dangers too?

I will allow nobody to rob kindness out of me.

Have to be strong.

I just have one duty for myself:
In times of weaknessess, learn to depend on yourself. Learn to ask for help from yourself, learn to support yourself. Because you've only got yourself. 

Sigh.

*

Honestly I just need to talk to just one person, but who? Who can I...

I hate this. and i hope tomorrow will be better.

But aren't we thankful for all these that had happened?

Even though they've brought us unimaginable sadness and disappointments, 

they have also spiced up our life and made it so much more interesting.

Seabiscuit

On snapchat I was sharing snippets of Seabiscuit which was showing on tv.
Second time I've watched it and it definitely is one of my favorites.
Kinda search them up and found this... What a wonderful and hopeful phase that was for the Great Depression years.

The actual Pimlico race between Seabiscuit and War Admiral

The final race

:AHHHHHHH 

#suckerfortruestorybasedmovies :')

This movie made me wanna hug a horse right now even though I'm kinda intimidated by their actual size. When they stomp their hooves (is that how you describe it?) it's so unexpectedly loud and heavy??? 

But ah, it's all that spirit that I love to see. 

That sprint towards the end, which I enjoy and miss very much.

Recipe for epiphanies

• How exciting it is, to experiment. With an objective in mind, with your different variables on stand-by, with a constant as control. Now is the time to do it, they say. And so indeed. Let's do trial and error, let's be brave and courageous. If there's a time to step forward into the unknown, into uncertainty, into paths less travelled, let now be it.
• "You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain." - Wise words from a dear friend
• I truly enjoy my internship. Like what I told someone, I really like what I do, and this could be a taste of how it feels to do something you like, and it doesn't feel like work. Of course you'll get tired, physically. But your mental state and your mind and spirit, will be rejuvenated. Everything you need to boost your creativity, risk-taking, competition with yourself, to do good is there
• I now know that I have tons lots of patience, for certain things. And an awful lack of it for others. Kinda like what I have patience for.
• This is also a test of my values and beliefs. I either lose them, or strengthen them ever more

*

I am thankful for the other wonderful interns I get to meet in this internship. They give me the chance to relive the kind of Uni life I never had. They give me the chance to relive secondary school... in a way. We have more or less the common break time. We see each other everyday. We laugh, we play, we work hard, we cheer each other on throughout the day, we hang out after work. We support and are generally happy every day. It's something so infectious I never once stop laughing with them.

*

There is always a right way (and a right time) to do things. I don't believe in excuses, but I believe in sincerity, forgiveness and growth. 

*

And finally, I think we are more or less experiencing the same thing in this phase of life, my friends. Slowly letting go of that child in us, shedding away our naivety and taking the step forward to face reality. Throwing excuses but shaking them off afterwards, only to stand up to take charge of our responsibilities in the family, in society, in life. Fighting for what we believe in, fighting for the life we want ahead. We cannot handle all these without being ultra busy ourselves. Once it gets inside you, it is difficult and disruptive stop. We have gotten so busy to a point that, whatever time that's left after a day's work, we don't even have enough for our own self. 

And that answered my childhood question: why can't my parents still meet up with their close friends as often as I did then?

Good night dear all.

May you have a Wonderful Wednesday ahead!

(Kinda typed that 'cause I saw someone write in an email: Have a Terrific Tuesday! during work. And I think she did it for the other days also, have yet to see them yet. Hehe share the kindness around. The world needs more of it)

I wish someone can save me and bring me away from all these soon.
Before I get used to being alone, and always leaving some space in my heart for someone I should not have.

Ah I underestimated how emotional what happened today can be.

But I'm thankful for someone who helped restore my faith.

*

The rate and amount at which things happen is so crazy that what feels like months is actually only a week. So I feel like a zillion years have passed before I meet my friends again, and there always seem to be so much i want to update them to fill up the gaps from where we last left off. It almost feel like I'm living in solitude for months before I meet my friends again, but maybe it's only been a week?

Haha don't know if anyone can understand my mind but yeah man I think busy is good. October's a snail and September was a cheetah on fire. Still trying to grasp all these but I'm afraid I can't have it all. Work, friends, passion, family, life, happiness. How? I don't have anyone senior im close to to ask for advices..

*

I feel sorry for you, that you can't appreciate the good in people. You see the dark and leave, but you never know how it feels to go through the dark tunnel and come out into the infinite light waiting for you at the end.

It's a matter of how far you want to go.

A Day

Sometimes in a day, everything seems to be going wrong and everyone seems to be pissing you off. But what matters is to breathe and shake it off and be open. You'll invite positivity before you even realise, and then you'll laugh it off and ta-dah, ending the day on a high note totally make the bad moments earlier on negligible.

So much can change in a day.
Anything can happen in a day.

Roommate Season 2.

Don't understand why they didn't continue Season 3 but it's honestly my favourite variety show. I love it more than I love running man. 

It never fails to uplift my spirits :')

Sharing this Into the Night mix of Lost Stars.
My jam this weekend.

*

Maybe it's because of the intensity of the last month. But I went back to play SIMS 4 recently and I kinda almost play it everyday 'cause I destress from it pretty well.
Just finished watching one episode of roommate and it reminded me of how I have a Sim who is a Renaissance Sim.
And I think I aspire to be a renaissance human hehehehe.
Feel like picking up my keyboard skills again. My brother has taken up guitar for quite some time already so I can do that as well. And I kinda want to but a microphone one day so that I can do covers etc. And I want to take up sewing. And cooking. And of course languages. And dance. I miss ballroom. And yay I think i'm gonna play ball soon again with the girls.

So much I wanna do.
This is a typical biting off more than I can chew situation.
HAHAHAHA
But I think I will be a very happy girl if I can do all these. 

And given the same age, I'm beginning to understand that a lot more people, from different countries especially, have experienced life in its different way way more than me.

It got me thinking, is it worth it, to have my future career further limit the life out of me?

*

September was an intense month for me. Right till the last day of September.
It was also my birthday month, pretty quiet this year, but I think it's better this way. I'm really thankful for the friends that I appreciate so much, to still remember and send me a text. Even the girls drove to my house to surprise me. It was really heartwarming and helped end my day on a better note.

I'm conflicted about many things recently. Don't really know what to do, don't really know which is a better choice. Don't really know how to juggle everything, without y'know biting off more than I can chew and then topple everything on my plate eventually.

Sigh.

Be right back

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young 

It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run 

Searching for meaning 

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?