Celebrating 2 years of adulthood

Read my 22's birthday post last year and decided to replicate what I did last year. I remember it was quite a sad birthday and hence I did not write much about it, instead I write positive thoughts and used a happy photo. I was all in the hopes that time will help me forget the unhappiness and that my words will leave me remembering good thoughts. I guess it worked!

As a little girl I LOVE birthdays and I always look forward to mine, so much so that I feel it's my lucky day every single day of September. But lately I have no idea why I don't. I am scared of birthdays. I am scared of feeling alone and that that even my special birthday luck won't work anymore. But still, I'm thankful to say my 23rd is better than my 22nd.

It's ironic because the past 365 days of my life (specifically June 2015 - June 2016) is one of the best periods of my life. It's the period when I truly regain confidence in myself, see myself hitting milestones after milestones, see myself grow steadily and gaining strength in each step taken. I was really proud of myself. So being 22nd is quite special to me even though the beginning of it was a sad one. I feel I grow up a lot more than I already have in this particular year. 

I remember a few days ago before my 23rd birthday, I knew in my heart that I really look forward to being 23. I wanted to blog about it but never got the right time and mood to. If I tell you the reason why I look forward to being 23, you'd laugh. But funny as it is, it gives me a lot of hope. I don't know why but I'm never the person to dread birthdays just because you are another year older. I'm never the person who will say I am old when I truly still believe I am young. Maybe people say they are old in comparison to the lost time and freedom that youth provides. But being old in my opinion is about having experienced life in depth and in length. And I don't think I have yet. Being old in my opinion is also about you losing that enthusiasm for life, that appetite to try new things and experiences. But I am not. I still thirst for new experiences, I still have many things I want to learn and see myself excelling in. The road ahead is long and I still have a healthy body and mind. Most importantly, 10/20 years down the road, you will see that being 22 or 23 is really still being young. Therefore I will not not do "young" things just because I think I am old. It'd be such a pity to let your mind limit you. 

This year's birthday left me feeling really warm hearted. I think it's about expectations always. After my 22nd I think my expectations dropped to an all time low hence maybe that's why I try not to look forward to it or expect much. I think this year, some people surprised me spiritually. Maybe that's why.

To be honest I really feel more down lately in September. I really am trying to figure out why.
Maybe because 2016 is a test of friendship. And I truly am affected.
I am a sensitive person, either by nature or by what I've gone through in life. It's a double edged sword really.
I think what I've learnt over this year is that until someone experienced something similar to you, they will never ever understand no matter how much they want to (that's if they even try).
And without understanding, they will never be able to put themselves in your shoes, and accept you.

Some people are fortunate and blessed enough to not have to go through what I had.
Some people are more privileged than I am.
But I also keep in mind that all of us experience the same hell on some days, maybe different devils.
And because of this I will not blame anyone for the things life like to challenge me with. I also count my blessings and give thanks and love whenever I can.
I am taught not to compare.

But there are days when I really feel so defeated and hurt at how life can be so terribly unfair that my only wish is for people to be less selfish. I wish people can have bigger hearts and see that not everything revolves around them all the time. I wish people do not take people for granted. I wish people realise that they have a part in this world, to help make it a better (not worse) place for living for others.

*

23 years of existence

2 years of adulthood

To many years more of living, bravery, and positivity.

You may not be loved in return, you may not be understood in return, but love and understand anyway.

Try, but let go if you must.

Immature love vs Mature love by Osho

"That’s why I call it the greatest paradox: they are together so much so that they are almost one, but still in that oneness they are individuals. Their individualities are not effaced – they have become more enhanced. The other has enriched them as far as their freedom is concerned.

And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness."

road to being a minsumer

The Joy of Less by Francine Jay: 

"Become “misnomers”: minimising our consumption to what meets our needs, minimise impact of our consumption on the environment, minimise effect of our consumption on other people’s lives.  

Whenever we ignore television commercials, breeze by impulse items without a glance, borrow books from the library, mend our clothes instead of replacing them, or resist purchasing the latest electronic gadget, we’re committing our own little acts of “consumer disobedience”. By simply not buying, we accomplish a world of good: we avoid supporting exploitative labor practices, we reclaim the resources of our planet.

Our ultimate goal as minsumers is to live lightly on the earth. " 

adversities

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."

It's a beautiful Saturday.

But I am home. Alone.

And I don't know what to do... and I think I will just waste this day away like this. Oh man... why are my brothers more happening than me on a Saturday hahahahaha. Damn it why is my life so boring. And I'm not doing anything about it. 

The first thing I cared about today is what to eat for lunch and I tried something new and got myself Prima Deli waffles. Yumz.

I guess such is life. It's not bad, and not good either. But I think times like this will be rare in the years to come, so yes, I'm not doing anything about it. I'll just enjoy this moment.

This peace. This quietness. This me-time. This scent from my dried flowers that reaches my nose once in a while. This room that I can call mine, where I find so much joy in decorating and doing all I can to realize what i visualize.

*

This is the calm before the storm. I know it. The storm is really coming and I pray that I have the strength to get through it.

*

7:41PM

In the end I did do some work and completed all my outstanding tasks :)

Having some friends over later and the movie Everest (which im so stoked about) is also gonna show on HBO.

I did not waste today afterall :)

i love my chill long weekend

It's a very chill long weekend spent mostly with my family. 

Nothing can ever beat time spent with family. <3

I realise too, that no matter how much we can keep in touch with our friends either through social media or through blogs and skype calls... sometimes being able to meet in person just amplifies everything in the best way possible. 

:') can't wait to see a dear friend back soon. 

Love today's visual. Missing norway so much <3

one of the best days this week

Met Nat together with beryl after work at Holland :')
I totally forgot to take a picture but at least got my stories.
Wow I forgot how great it feels to be surrounded by great friends who truly will be there for you no matter what.

Despite being busy and getting tired from work, nights like this lifts me up so much so much <3 So much love and reminder to self to remember the new perspectives my friends helped me to gain.

The best thing that happened today, and also this week, is ...

PASSING MY PAC EXAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :')

Source: http://brightdrops.com/uplifting-quotes

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” ~Frederick Douglass

Think about it: a life without struggle would mean that you are playing it safe, staying with what you know, and limiting your own evolution and growth. Struggle is a sign that you are pushing yourself, testing your limits, and making real progress. Armed with this new perspective you can take on the world.

“The world is more malleable than you think and it’s waiting for you to hammer it into shape.” ~Bono

If the world around you seems like it is just the way it is because of the way the world works, this quote shows that it’s not quite as fixed as it looks. You get to bend it and shape it so that it’s looks the way you want it to, but in order to do that you have to deliberately set out to. Rather than let life throw you around, get in the driver’s seat, and as Bono is saying, swing that hammer. The world won’t hammer itself into the shape you want, you have to be the one that provides the inspired action.

地表最强 2016 #virginconcert

I remember telling myself this is my chance now that Jay Chou is coming for a concert in SG again. I was scared that he will retire soon after he got married. But when I saw the ticket prices, I totally backed out. Plus, I couldn't find anyone who'd go with me. 

Until on the very actual day of ticket sale, an opportunity came and I found LX and I managed to get two tickets, after almost an hour of intense spamming the refresh button??? (LX managed to get for me too successfully). So here we are today :')

Honestly, it was my virgin concert and I know how good Jay Chou's live performances are, especially his voice. But I don't think I had unexceptionally high expectations but I just didn't fully enjoy the whole concert because maybe the sound system was really that bad. I don't know how to judge how a good sound system sounded like but all I know is that just hearing Jay's vocals was good enough for me. Halfway through I was seriously questioning why must the design of the National Stadium include one big open space that cannot close? I can imagine how much more awesome this experience will be if it was a fully enclosed area. 

To be honest I was disappointed.

But I still tried to make the best out of this virgin concert! Super expensive and I gotta make my money worth yknow. 

A lot of my favourite songs didn't come out. I can't believe there wasn't 不该 (!!!!?) 珊瑚海 (!!!!?) but at least there's 开不了口 (!!!!!) 白色风车 and 七里香.

And also one of my absolutely favourite: 美人鱼

It has the best setup too.

Jay Chou's ballads always give me lotsa feels.

This whole concert made me wish I was a singer.

Not kidding. 

美人魚的眼淚 

是一個連傷心都透明的世界 

地平線的遠方一輪滿月 

童話般感覺 

讓我愛上有你的黑夜 

無聲的眼淚 

水族玻璃裡你一次次的來回 

思念成了僅存的那一切 

缺氧的感覺

Also very sad that snapchat lost so many of my previous snaps. One of them is really really precious.
I can also lament about our unluckyness the first part of the concert... which really isn't nice and I shall not dwell on it. I didn't even get to have the fan.
But oh wells. I shall be thankful with all that I have. At least I have my videos :')

dear pj

I know.

I know.

You did not expect to have to feel this way again. Not after so long.

But you did. And that's okay. That's because you're only human.

The past few years must have been full of so many ups and downs, at extreme altitudes. I'm happy for your achievements so far and how far you've come. Please don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back. But I also know that a tiny bit of that source of happiness and motivation came from something, or someone who should no longer be in your equation ages ago.

I know you're just trying to prove to yourself something. But my dear, you don't have to prove anything to yourself. You don't have to prove your ability to love because you truly can. And a love this sincere, pure and deep, if you may have it. I have absolutely no doubt about that.

So what if you have done certain things, when you're not in the best/right state of mind then, that may have been embarrassing, weak, or crazy as some people would say. You were not in the right state of mind. 

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Friedrich Nietzsche

That was perhaps only that few fleeting moments of a part of you, not the entire, other great parts of a bigger you. And there was no way you could control yourself then. Because I know how bombarded and confused your mind was then. I know it's the worst feeling ever and I know you hate being confused and you rather have the cold hard truth than the vague ambiguity that misleads and give others that cruel slow death. If people suffers from claustrophobia, I think this feeling is your equivalent of it.

So stop blaming yourself and stop torturing yourself.

You've been so soft-hearted that you reflect about things a lot, admit your weaknesses, then try to emphathise with others, and then you forgive and forget! In fact you've grown to be so quick to forgive and forget, especially around relationships which you truly cherish and will not risk anything to threaten it... that sometimes people may mistake that as your weakness to be exploited on. But you know very well, girl, no? That's not your weakness. That's your strength. It just means you can see the bigger picture better now and know what's truly more important. That you're readily putting down what's not important quickly in exchange for what truly do.

I don't know how to comfort you, nor do I dare to make promises that all this will be over. But you've survived and stood back up on your own two feet before. If nobody told you that, let me tell you how incredibly proud I am for you. Remember, you have friends who told you how strong they think you are. Even though you quickly deny and brush it off. Time will tell your strength my dear.

Go ahead and cry if you need. Shed all those tears that have been bottled up for so long while you were already wobbling, but trying with great effort to be strong. Shed these tears till they dry. Till all the heavy weight in your heart dissipates.

I know you feel that nobody should ever deserve to treat another person the way you were treated. And I know you've once forgiven this too because you understand that people are young and when it's their first time they tend to make mistakes. But just remember that this is what it is.

"Maybe it's our love that was so strong that it suffocates the other." How aptly put by a friend isn't it?

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Another beautiful quote by the same friend, isn't it?

So no regrets, and no blaming yourself anymore, girl. You should feel proud that you're capable of genuine love, in a world that is in deep need of it. You should hold your head up high because precisely because you can love, you also have the gift of forgiveness, to those who deserves it.

I sincerely wish that what you've gone through, will make you a stronger, more optimistic and more loving woman inside out. She will be the kind of woman who truly appreciates what it means to be happy, for life, and can still bring herself to smile amidst adversities.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still find it a beautiful place." - Iain Thomas

Frodo : I can't do this, Sam. Sam : I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened. But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something. Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam? Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

If you can love the "wrong" one so much, imagine the greater things that can happen when you do finally meet the right one.

*

I'm sorry your first day of work ended like this. But happy first day of work pj! (Don't forget how happy you were the entire day!) May this remind you of the bigger picture from time to time and that your problems are actually much smaller than you see them to be.

And finally my last words to you that I never had the courage to say to you before: The very boy who held your hand first may had been the exact same boy who let go of your hand first (too) and walked away at the end. You may say that if only .......... then all these would probably not have happened.  Had you not given him the chance to love you... then you wouldn't be hurt too. But always remember, he has absolutely no right to insult and disrespect you because he wouldn't even be able to do that had you not given him the chance to love you. So if he does, in any way, insult/degrade/disrespect you, you know what it means don't you?
But woman, despite all these, I'm still very glad that you plucked up courage and took a leap of faith in this messy realm called love, to love someone the best you could... despite the odds.

You've got to admit. It was pure like a white flower, innocent, sincere and genuine like the eyes of water. And you know it's a once-in-a-lifetime special kind of love for yourself. You can't say the same for him because things have changed, who knows if he will be a man of his words?

On hindsight, maybe it had been a wrong choice, maybe you should have said no when you obviously didn't see it coming so quickly. But know that now you have made it right for yourself. In a grander scheme of things.

Time it took for Dobby and Smeagol to be free: 2 Years 5 months
We are free.

Lots & lots of love,
Yours sincerely