Time indeed tells everything, and you're already the person you said you'll never be

"Everything you do feels a little like redemption of what you did; just so your conscience could sleep at night, your guilt won't bite, your reputation won't stink and people won't look at you with that judging eyes. I'm not saying I doubt you entirely, but you can't blame me for doubting either."

Sunday evening

Hello!

I love the weekends so much now that I work 5 days a week 9-6. Now I understand why some say they prefer work to school because at least after work, you can really do anything you want and just rest. For school, you really are a full-time 24/7 student because after school you'll have all the assignments and revision piling up and waiting for you. I still remember those days... exam periods are no joke.

Anyway, today 2nd August marks my official 1 month mark with Citi! It really had been a busy and fulfilling 4 weeks. I was reading my book and there's this line "The focus baking requires settles my mind and my nerves, doesn't let other thoughts sneak it." How aptly put! I think all I had to do is replace the word baking with working at Citi. Hehe I wouldn't say it's an easy internship because I've been tested to go out of my comfort zones so many times already (even though it's only been a month). But yeah, I'm very happy with what I'm learning and I look forward to who I will become at the end of this internship. It's weird for me to say this, I think it's the first time I've ever said anything positive about work? But I enjoy my internship and I look forward to each day. It's pretty exciting and fun. Thankful for the nice mentors and fellow interns in my team. (But why is that all the people I love are leaving :()

I believe in all work but no play makes Jane a dull girl, but I now believe even more in work hard, play harder! Haha I really like that my weekends are literally holidays for me. I can slack/relax/read/swim/watch shows and everything without guilt. That feeling is SO awesome.

It feels pretty much like my secondary school days somehow, my younger days. And it's pleasantly comforting :) This is me getting my life back.

Just really can't wait to go on a get away. I told myself I MUST go overseas somewhere at least for this summer but all the plans and opportunities came and I couldn't. I will be spending quite a lonely national day this year as my family will be away :( So i've been inviting friends to come over to stayover. I HOPE AT LEAST SOME OF THEM COULD COME. Lonely national day, watching the parade on TV and singing "Home" alone is not my definition of fun.

Alright I'm off for a bath, before I continue reading my book because the due date is today.

I feel like we didn't need to go down this road.

I was genuinely alright. Some days I feel like whatever has happened is part and parcel of life, and it need not be as bad as I imagined it to be. Days like these, I feel happy to be able to see the bigger picture of life, and that relationships have their ups and downs. I'm thankful for you and I'm thankful for the lessons. Deep down, I also know that time will heal our friendship and it's just a matter of time when we will be able to be friends again.

I honestly, know that we can be friends again. Even though we aren't the sweetest couple around, but I felt we can make amazing friends. (Even our horoscopes say so okay).

But I feel sad that I have my doubts now. When I pursued my own path of healing, I am still able to love you as a friend, I am able to care for you as a friend. I can even imagine myself, treating you like how I would treat my other friends, if we happen to pass by each other on the streets. It really made me feel that, "See, I really am alright. And it's okay we are like that now." And I'm glad I can even reach this stage.

But i guess this is yet another period of change. This whole process of healing has so many different sub-stages that once I'm comfortable in one, situations change and I'm challenged with yet another setting. I feel like I'm going through a life challenge and one by one i'm hopping over all these hurdles.

Haha come what may, I think I already saw the finishing line. Like what I've said previously, maybe I'm not the one who's not ready to be friends, but you. Or, it could also just be a case of one-sided friendship.

The grass is greener where you water it

I don't know what came over me with that previous post. But I guess I just want to be myself now, unfiltered.

I've been reading this blog for quite a while, and I'm surprised by how much I resonate with her. Noting some of these down for myself, because I feel exactly the same way.

• http://irinatyt.blogspot.sg/2013/03/all-that-party-shit.html
  
  There are so many other ways to have fun, but it's a pity in Singapore that's the way it is. I've experienced a different side about clubs and drinking on exchange, and I feel sad that in SG it'll never be the same. It can be a wonderful and fun experience if done right, but oh wells.
• "People change, and often like it or not, they become the person they said they will never be."
  
  And to you, I feel like, you became the person you said you'll never be.
• This feels eerily de ja vu. They were pretty much, the exact same words I said to you that day, 18 May 2014. That there are always people better out there for you. There is someone better than me for you, and also better than you for me. But here I am, completely aware of that but I'm still choosing you, I choose you. And I'm happy this way. That to myself is my own recognition of how much I love you. But dear, can't you see that love is not about finding the right one, but learning how to love the one you already have?
  
  
  
• http://irinatyt.blogspot.sg/2013/07/giving-your-all.html
  
  This. "And I will do everything it takes to not fail. And I did everything it took, but it still failed. - Katy Perry"

These are just some of it. And I'm relieved to know that there is someone out there, who feels the same as me. All the things about how people with arranged marriages turned out perfectly fine and they learnt to love each other always reminded me that it is possible.

I'm very glad that I'm not alone in this. And I'm very glad that I know it's possible. But maybe that's why it hurts a lot to know that you made it impossible. 2 hands to clap yo.

(Anyway, with regards to all these outpouring of thoughts, it may feel like all these are still raw in my heart but I promise that these are perhaps delayed outpouring of thoughts that's been within me for ages. I promise I am better now, and I'm not emo. But writing all these down made me feel much better. And lastly, without my friends, family and myself, I wouldn't have been who I am now. So I'm blessed, and bless you all!)

Robin Williams: "You don't know about real loss. 'Cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself."

Maybe it's time to admit I am weak and not so wise afterall.
I really really really wish now, that I haven't met you.
Thinking about how my life would turn out without you and all the shit you brought me, while you are there caring only about your reputation, disgusts me so terribly.

I thought I was the only one who could see your kind heart and I stood by you. I stood by you even when times are tough and I stood by you even when I'm struggling. Do you, even know how I feel?

But now, I don't even dare to imagine the kind of things you spoke of me to your friends.
The things you think are the truth, are so ridiculously untrue. I guess I'm both lucky, and unlucky, to hear stuffs about what you've said about me to others, from other people's mouths. It's so unbelivable yknow.

I'm sure you know it deep down yourself, who was the one who got hurt badly.

I used to choose not to say anything much about us, anything bad about you simply because I understand why you do certain things and I believe and trust you. But lately even the people I talk to, pointed out that I am still protecting you even before I realise it myself.

But now, knowing that you haven't done the same for me... I feel too tired to continue on knowing that what I'm doing, is like slotting coins in a coin machine that will never give me the drink. Believing and trusting you was good for myself honestly, for quite a good while. But now I'm not so sure even of my beliefs of you. Maybe it's time to stop, and to be realistic about what it is now. I really hate to have to do this, because I believe that it's fairer to judge you based on how you've been with me. What everybody else says about, will to some extent, be a little biased, or a little exaggerated, or a little twisted. I thought trusting you from my own knowledge of you is the most suitable way. But the reasons cease to exist now, more and more lately. Time will reveal everything to me slowly.

You know, with all being said. Maybe it's still my fault. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to believe in your words, for wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, for being in denial, and being unable to accept the truth. Truth hurts. Maybe that is why I never truly understood why what happened to us, happened. Even till today. When people asked me, my answer remains the same. I really said I don't know. Maybe because the truth hurts, that you didn't dare to tell it to me honestly right from the start. And how much pain could I have been spared, if only you had been courageous enough to tell me the truth I deserve. I'm the kind of person, who rather be given the truth than be given a sweet lie. It will hurt terribly but at least you can shorten my pain.

*

I have a feeling, that we both have different versions of the story. Time has passed long enough, that maybe it's completely different and even inaccurate now. The state that we are now ain't helping too. So. It's okay. Let it remain that way then, let you remain that way, let me be the person who lost in this story.

Looking back, I begin to see certain things and the things I used to be harsh on myself for, the personal goals of mine to become better so that I'm happy and you're happy, the things I had to do to make my life more bearable when I'm missing you like crazy but you're in camp, all that feelings and thoughts put into this, I don't know what to say. When something doesn't work out, it's never one person's fault. It take two hands to clap, and if I'm the only one who's cherishing what we have so much more than you, if I'm the only one who can see the future even though when we are growing up together it gets a little bumpy, one day I'll tire out and just not be right. It's funny, I thought I will tire out faster than you, but apparently not. I didn't know I'm stronger than you this way.

The consolation I can seek comfort in, is that at least the life I'm living now, is so beautiful and insightful that every day I'm thankful just to be alive. I seek comfort that I'm recovering, and that I'm happy I can recover, and I'm proud of myself. "What's past has passed, and there is no point looking back when the road ahead is long and the scenery beautiful." I will lead my life, and you yours. Good energy is surrounding me now, and like what I've learnt from you, I will never let them go like how you let me go.

14-signs-youre-an-emotionally-intelligent-person

Hola, life's been busy in a good way

 Rome <3  (December 2014)

New addicts.

#goals

How much of our older selves, is spent on fulfilling the dreams we never saw through in our childhood?

Today is so not my fucking day.

Right

I'm going to take my power back into my own hands. I'm going to have faith in my ability to handle all these shit. I'm going to have faith in the universe.

Day 1

I'm actually feeling really tired and I wanted to get some early night's rest but I shall write something.

I hate to be tired. Because once the inkling of being tired begins, it's like a blanket of dark cloud will loom over me and my energy and peace are being sapped out. Then it's like a vicious cycle of me being tired -> tired and grumpy and critical -> tired even more -> just feeling like a wreck -> starts thinking about all the problems -> more wreck.

I've been thinking about my life and my destiny sometimes. I'm not always leading the good, stable and happy life people may think I have. So much is going on inside that sometimes when people think that I'm being weak when I reach out for help (which is only those urgent few times), I feel so hurt.

I've been thinking about the problems that happened the past few months. They are really problems, not me making a mountain out of a molehill. And it just makes me really sad. I think I have to get myself together to become a better and stronger person for myself, but it's not so easy. So while I've been steadily building myself up the first half of this year, and at times I really feel so much more at peace... I really do not need the external problems to distract me anymore. I really can't.

F these tears.

//

On a side note, even though halfway through I had a tiny regret that maybe I chose the wrong department, I'm glad at the end of the day I found enough reasons for myself to believe it's the right one. It's still back to the same old.

//

People are scary. They can be ridiculously inconsiderate, self-centered, shameless, and uncompassionate.

Being judgmental is undeniably human nature but I wish that people around in this country, judge with more compassion? I die a little on the inside every single time I come across people judging blindly in such ridiculous arrogance. I'm not stereotyping any particular group of people, but a thought came up to me sometime this week: shouldn't higher education make you wiser and therefore more appreciative and compassionate about the opportunities you have that others don't? shouldn't higher education equip you with the skills and motivation to do greater good to the people around you? shouldn't higher education, really make you a better person as a whole? I don't disregard the many initiatives around by people our age, that I'm impressed with and will probably never be able to accomplish with my own hands. I do not forget the passionate spirits of youths that drive so many incredible things. But I'm starting to doubt the true quality of our education.

With all that being said, maybe it's because of the greater contrast i've experienced after my exchange.

//

Our story was my greatest pillar to restore my faith in life and love all these while, but at times like this, I just see the retreat of the shore and the debris and remnants left behind. I thought that choosing to take the path less travelled was a courageous, viable and much better path for myself, and for both of us. But I'm really afraid that maybe that is all there ever is. That there is only that one path, that's why everyone's going that path. But I still have no regrets for taking the other path, even if it means it's prolonging my journey.

//

And one last thing. "I was angry" should never ever be a valid excuse to make what you did right or reasonable. It's still wrong, especially when you evoked irreversible damage.