Am I a loser? HAHA

On such a wonderful Saturday weekend I should be out exploring town and joining in the Christmas festivity at Gardens By The Bay. Which looks A M A Z  I N G from all the photos I've been seeing on Instagram. Like it reminded me of the numerous Christmas markets I've been to in the different countries last year this time. And my favorite is... Berlin's one I think.

But here I am at home, in the perfect rainy weather just lazing the day away with my brothers. Listening to Michael Buble now. lol.

I think Singapore has a lot to offer. But it's just that being a local I probably am complacent and not appreciative of that, compared to if I am a tourist.

That's why I miss travelling. It naturally makes me want to live more and be active and be out with human beings and experiences because I know I'm gonna leave that place some day.

This is bad. I am such a loner. Hahahahaha.

But I can't help it it's too comfortable at home :B
And I found a Norwegian blog that's absolutely gorgeous.

Looking forward to this week :)

I still can't quite apprehend that after years of education, years of being in projects and groupwork... Some people can still be relentlessly stepping on other people's head so that they can outshine others.

And here's the ironic thing, they made more mistakes than the people they've stepped on.

Like, what did you learn in school then?

Eff my life.

Ranting here but no more after this post.
My work will testify my value.
No doubt about that, my conscience is clear.

有些人，有些事，

只要是遇到了，经历过，

只要是在这世上，它真的有发生过，

哪怕只是一瞬间。。。

在我心里，它便是永远。

Hello hello

http://www.bustle.com/articles/106682-9-documentaries-on-netflix-right-now-that-will-lift-your-spirits

So I saved this on my phone when I came across it last week and decided to start on the first one first thing this morning!

It's about how the Earth was created more than 4.5 billion years ago, about how meteorites and oceans and life came into the picture. Thought it would be enriching to know about our very root of existence, and it made me wonder why didn't they teach us all these in school for science classes. I know I hated the solar system chapter because I always have trouble remember the 9 (OK I googled and there are 8) planets on earth. (See I still have trouble), but it was never interesting to me. Nonetheless, watching this helped me understand better the bigger picture.

Anyway, the description of the documentary caught my interest:
"Sometimes, there's nothing better than sitting back and marvelling at how astounding nature really is. Personally, it makes any of my issues feel insignificant. Planet Earth was produced by the BBC in 2006 and [took five years to make] LINK THIS — the quality and dedication to the production really shows as the series tracks through every type of possible habitat on earth."

It's kinda what I needed to remind myself once a while: that life is so much more than I thought, and my problems are so much less significant than I imagined.

*

I have come to a point when I feel that it's my fault for the way things turned out. And nothing I do now can change the past. But I still hold on to the hope that one day I can turn my life around with my own hands.

*

Anyway listening to Christmas ballads now with the rainy weather is so comforting.

30 November 2015

Paths crossed, third degree, it's better to not ask more. 

Let it be. 

Parallels

It was a vulnerable moment for me. When you're in that moment, you feel like you're being seen by everyone. And then when you lose it, you feel invisible... devasted. Whether you ignore it, whether you live your life, whether you get back to another situation, you have to like, have those low moments to appreciate the high moments.

I was 15, 16 (17,18, 19)... like what do I know about life? Like what do I know. By all means, I don't have life figured out, but I definitely have lived a lot of lives. I still have my moments of insecurity, but I feel like I have pulled myself up and this is the best I have ever felt in my whole life. And I feel great, I feel confident, I feel comfortable. You've got to choose to have a good outlook of life... I don't know. I just think I had to do that.

I really wanna prove a point with this record (phase of my life). Safe to say this is the most authentic record (self) I've ever done (been)."

Who inspires me? Life experiences.
I'm not sure if that's considered a who though.

Selena Gomez

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLZOjKd4agY

In the quietest moments, I give up.

Wow?

http://selgomez-news.com/post/133685038945/parisorfaloaf-my-cousin-was-sitting-a-few

It was a coincidence that their news popped up the past week and then it caught my interest.
And I was just looking through their interviews and everything, and I was just thinking that... their honesty and everything made me feel that they really do love each other.

And then today this popped up, and the hype and everything
Slightly earlier than I expected? I was still thinking that I MAY ship Jelena if you give me a couple of months but it's all too fast.
It also doesn't mean they will get back together.

That video, is really one of the sweetest sweetest thing I've ever seen.

I was never a fan of Selena Gomez until maybe the second half of 2014?
'The heart wants what it wants' used to be my go-to song in my kitchen back in Hatleberg, and times when I feel I need some strength, when I need to hear something that I can relate to.

I really love all her songs in her new Revival album.
Like, everything about it. The mood, the groove, the beats, the energy, the message.

Have you ever been so happy from the inside that you need to jump a little or skip a few steps or scream it out loud or just laugh really really hard without restraint? The kind of happiness within so intense that you have to do something physical like sprint so fast or leap with joy to diffuse some of it out otherwise you'd burst with too much happiness.

Our story, lies parallel and has the same nature as S&J.

Closely similar time frame, closely similar lessons learnt.

And hopefully, closely similar circumstances.

Today has been pretty intense. Mentally and spiritually.

More than average exchange of ideas and new perspectives.
I'm a little intimidated and demoralised at a particular path of life I'm in now. Feeling demoralised because of the things I have been missing out on due to reasons I did not ask for, but have to learn how to embrace and improvise.

That's one of the bigger lessons I've learnt these years I guess. Learning to accept and embrace what I'm given, and to have faith in the way things pan out. Stormy weathers don't last. And there will come a time when the sun comes out again. And when it does, those who've been through the storm will better appreciate the good.

There can be a lot of good in this world, if you can just open your eyes and see with your own heart.

And if there is a biggest lesson to be learnt, I think I'm glad at how much more open-minded I've become. Because I see life so much differently, with so much enthusiasm, humor and inspiration now.

12 November 2015
Still got that radiance.

Just be.

"It was the beginning, the middle, and the end. It was a year of becomings; of finding myself on the other side and not knowing how i got there."

离别是短暂的，友情会永远留在我们的心里。

*

Here and there, once in a while, I still carry with me the remnants of the broken pieces of my heart because it is a reminder that my heart once felt so strongly about something, and it has ached so badly too because of that something.

I still miss all of that, I still feel a little ache sometimes when I'm reminded of what I've lost too, caught unknowingly. But today for the first time, I feel this strong urge to not look at what I've lost, but to rejoice in the fact of what had happened. We happened.

Last year on exchange, I posted an instagram post with the caption of "Smile because beautiful things happened''. The original quote had a second part in front, which goes like "Don't cry because it has ended ... Smile because it happened." But I omitted the first part. No doubt, I was referring to this same thing, and also about my whole exchange journey as well.

It made a lot of sense to me back then, and it gave me a lot of enlightenment back then.
And today I wanna remind myself of that again, to be thankful and grateful because those were some of the best periods of my life, and I should smile because I feel lucky that they happened to me.

You were part of some of the best times of my life, and for that I'll always be thankful.

And now the question is:

Do I want to be thrown into the deep sea or do I want to be in good hands?

Was watching Masterchef Australia on teevee and it was featuring the pressure test where the three contestants had to create a croquembouche.

When I first started watching I wondered why they had to make cooking, which in my opinion is a relaxing and enjoyable activity, so stressful??? Like it spoils the fun out of it :(

But what this show really showed me is that the impossible can be possible, and sometimes even if you screw up in the middle, you might end up with the best dish still.

Really like Colin Sheppard, who is so fatherly and I feel is such a genuine kind man. Like his eyes... there's something so sincere and genuine in those eyes of his. It's really rare nowadays. And I wish I can meet people like that in Singapore too. I have a feeling that the City life sucks out the kindness in people.

Ok. Don't wanna research further in case I realised he doesn't win or something.

*

My third interview today, and I hope the last for this year. 

I've reached a point when I'm so irritated with myself for being unable to reach a decision.

This weekend is a little disorganised and disoriented for me but I shall try to save the last few hours to do something productive for myself. Time to tame my discipline, shall not watch too much movies even though they really brighten my day sometimes. Time for more books reading, more exercise, more decluttering of my forever messy room.

Speaking of the current mood, I really love the smell of rain.

And so, when you truly like someone, you’re serious about it. Not the kind of half-arsed waiting for universe signs to decide what you’re going to do. Or telling them for whatever reason you’re unable to be with them right now. No. You will be committed to your feelings. You will do your best. You will try all what’s in your power to make them happy even if it means not having your feelings reciprocated. Although it’s true that such desire to have your feelings reciprocated is inevitable, your liking them doesn’t begin or end there. When you truly like someone, you like them for the person they are. You like them for the rawness and realness when they’re with you. You’re grateful for their ever being born into this world and crossing your path, for being a spark in your dark days and teaching you so much about life and love. 

Truly liking someone might mean different things to different people but you’re sure they will agree with you that it’s a damn good teacher. It teaches you to be patient, tolerant, and go beyond yourself. It teaches you that if you want to like someone and care for them, you need to like yourself and care for yourself first. More importantly, you need to trust that they are capable of liking and caring for themselves too and let they do so in their own time. You also need to believe that they deserve happiness and the personal choices they make. That’s how you will gain the strength to keep on going, to find your own happiness, to have a place for them in your heart without bitterness or pain no matter what answer they will have for you.

"They say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but fact is, with you, I always did. Not a day went by I didn't thank the stars or worship the earth you walked on. That's real loss. To know what you have, cherish every moment, and then watch it slip away." 

Beau Taplin // Until it's gone

You need to tell yourself these little things that you picked up day by day, but which may slipped off your mind amidst life.

Who he is now is not the same person you fell in love with.  

- So there is no reason for you to keep fighting to stay in that love. 

The qualities of him which you used to admire and respect so much, has faded and are being replaced with something else. Something which you'd lose respect for someone for. 

And without respect, there would be no love. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes the people closest to you, your family, are the very person who will bring you down? Who are the least supportive. Who see the bad in your good intention. Who by default, put fault and blame on you first, before understanding.

2 incidents I've witnessed this week.

*

Suddenly I feel so scared and vulnerable.

This path brought me to light, but is this time that I watch out for myself, and for the dangers too?

I will allow nobody to rob kindness out of me.

Have to be strong.

I just have one duty for myself:
In times of weaknessess, learn to depend on yourself. Learn to ask for help from yourself, learn to support yourself. Because you've only got yourself. 

Sigh.

*

Honestly I just need to talk to just one person, but who? Who can I...

I hate this. and i hope tomorrow will be better.

But aren't we thankful for all these that had happened?

Even though they've brought us unimaginable sadness and disappointments, 

they have also spiced up our life and made it so much more interesting.

Seabiscuit

On snapchat I was sharing snippets of Seabiscuit which was showing on tv.
Second time I've watched it and it definitely is one of my favorites.
Kinda search them up and found this... What a wonderful and hopeful phase that was for the Great Depression years.

The actual Pimlico race between Seabiscuit and War Admiral

The final race

:AHHHHHHH 

#suckerfortruestorybasedmovies :')

This movie made me wanna hug a horse right now even though I'm kinda intimidated by their actual size. When they stomp their hooves (is that how you describe it?) it's so unexpectedly loud and heavy??? 

But ah, it's all that spirit that I love to see. 

That sprint towards the end, which I enjoy and miss very much.

Recipe for epiphanies

• How exciting it is, to experiment. With an objective in mind, with your different variables on stand-by, with a constant as control. Now is the time to do it, they say. And so indeed. Let's do trial and error, let's be brave and courageous. If there's a time to step forward into the unknown, into uncertainty, into paths less travelled, let now be it.
• "You've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain." - Wise words from a dear friend
• I truly enjoy my internship. Like what I told someone, I really like what I do, and this could be a taste of how it feels to do something you like, and it doesn't feel like work. Of course you'll get tired, physically. But your mental state and your mind and spirit, will be rejuvenated. Everything you need to boost your creativity, risk-taking, competition with yourself, to do good is there
• I now know that I have tons lots of patience, for certain things. And an awful lack of it for others. Kinda like what I have patience for.
• This is also a test of my values and beliefs. I either lose them, or strengthen them ever more

*

I am thankful for the other wonderful interns I get to meet in this internship. They give me the chance to relive the kind of Uni life I never had. They give me the chance to relive secondary school... in a way. We have more or less the common break time. We see each other everyday. We laugh, we play, we work hard, we cheer each other on throughout the day, we hang out after work. We support and are generally happy every day. It's something so infectious I never once stop laughing with them.

*

There is always a right way (and a right time) to do things. I don't believe in excuses, but I believe in sincerity, forgiveness and growth. 

*

And finally, I think we are more or less experiencing the same thing in this phase of life, my friends. Slowly letting go of that child in us, shedding away our naivety and taking the step forward to face reality. Throwing excuses but shaking them off afterwards, only to stand up to take charge of our responsibilities in the family, in society, in life. Fighting for what we believe in, fighting for the life we want ahead. We cannot handle all these without being ultra busy ourselves. Once it gets inside you, it is difficult and disruptive stop. We have gotten so busy to a point that, whatever time that's left after a day's work, we don't even have enough for our own self. 

And that answered my childhood question: why can't my parents still meet up with their close friends as often as I did then?

Good night dear all.

May you have a Wonderful Wednesday ahead!

(Kinda typed that 'cause I saw someone write in an email: Have a Terrific Tuesday! during work. And I think she did it for the other days also, have yet to see them yet. Hehe share the kindness around. The world needs more of it)

I wish someone can save me and bring me away from all these soon.
Before I get used to being alone, and always leaving some space in my heart for someone I should not have.

Ah I underestimated how emotional what happened today can be.

But I'm thankful for someone who helped restore my faith.

*

The rate and amount at which things happen is so crazy that what feels like months is actually only a week. So I feel like a zillion years have passed before I meet my friends again, and there always seem to be so much i want to update them to fill up the gaps from where we last left off. It almost feel like I'm living in solitude for months before I meet my friends again, but maybe it's only been a week?

Haha don't know if anyone can understand my mind but yeah man I think busy is good. October's a snail and September was a cheetah on fire. Still trying to grasp all these but I'm afraid I can't have it all. Work, friends, passion, family, life, happiness. How? I don't have anyone senior im close to to ask for advices..

*

I feel sorry for you, that you can't appreciate the good in people. You see the dark and leave, but you never know how it feels to go through the dark tunnel and come out into the infinite light waiting for you at the end.

It's a matter of how far you want to go.

A Day

Sometimes in a day, everything seems to be going wrong and everyone seems to be pissing you off. But what matters is to breathe and shake it off and be open. You'll invite positivity before you even realise, and then you'll laugh it off and ta-dah, ending the day on a high note totally make the bad moments earlier on negligible.

So much can change in a day.
Anything can happen in a day.

Roommate Season 2.

Don't understand why they didn't continue Season 3 but it's honestly my favourite variety show. I love it more than I love running man. 

It never fails to uplift my spirits :')

Sharing this Into the Night mix of Lost Stars.
My jam this weekend.

*

Maybe it's because of the intensity of the last month. But I went back to play SIMS 4 recently and I kinda almost play it everyday 'cause I destress from it pretty well.
Just finished watching one episode of roommate and it reminded me of how I have a Sim who is a Renaissance Sim.
And I think I aspire to be a renaissance human hehehehe.
Feel like picking up my keyboard skills again. My brother has taken up guitar for quite some time already so I can do that as well. And I kinda want to but a microphone one day so that I can do covers etc. And I want to take up sewing. And cooking. And of course languages. And dance. I miss ballroom. And yay I think i'm gonna play ball soon again with the girls.

So much I wanna do.
This is a typical biting off more than I can chew situation.
HAHAHAHA
But I think I will be a very happy girl if I can do all these. 

And given the same age, I'm beginning to understand that a lot more people, from different countries especially, have experienced life in its different way way more than me.

It got me thinking, is it worth it, to have my future career further limit the life out of me?

*

September was an intense month for me. Right till the last day of September.
It was also my birthday month, pretty quiet this year, but I think it's better this way. I'm really thankful for the friends that I appreciate so much, to still remember and send me a text. Even the girls drove to my house to surprise me. It was really heartwarming and helped end my day on a better note.

I'm conflicted about many things recently. Don't really know what to do, don't really know which is a better choice. Don't really know how to juggle everything, without y'know biting off more than I can chew and then topple everything on my plate eventually.

Sigh.

Be right back

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young 

It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run 

Searching for meaning 

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark? 

Weekend getaway

A family weekend getaway to Port Dickson. 

It was so short (1 night and 2 days?) but at least road trips, hours of doing nothing but listening to music and thinking, looking out the windows, nature, spending time with family, reminiscing about the old road trips as a family when we were younger... gave me the rejuvenation I need, away from the City life.

The ones who always took care of us. Dad who always drives long hours without complaining. Mom who prepares food and takes care of the rubbish we pass to her (haha). We did that when we were much younger, shouldn't be doing that now as we should take care of our own rubbish. But the inner child in me still happily call out "Mummy, NAH!"

And she will give me the face but still accepts it anyway.

Not forgetting these mouth watering zichar. 

Zichar is always a must when in Malaysia.

It wasn't that nice with the haze and all, but it's still good :)

Things to be thankful for. 

crazy little random thought

I just need reminders every now and then. I'm good.

If destiny's meant to happen, it will happen.

You can't force it.

Neither can you prevent it.

Life can be a joke sometimes, but that's what makes it fun.

This vicious world might sharpen us like a blade, but whether we use that power to protect people or cause them pain, is always our choice.

Celebration of 1 year of adulthood

22 years of existence

1 year of adulthood

To many years more of living, bravery, and positivity.

You may not be loved in return, you may not be understood in return, but love and understand anyway.

It is a tough world out there.

Just feel kinda sad knowing about other people's misfortunes. I can feel their pain.

Sometimes I wish I could help these people in any way I can. But because I don't know how. The least I could do, is to spread happiness, to be honest and to lend helping hand to anyone who needs help. To be myself, to not be one of those people out there who get close to people with an end result they want to achieve in mind.

It really turns me off.

I realise I am who I am. What you see of me is what you get. I'm either too tired of having to put up a facade for others, or I am not receptive to the idea of being somebody else other than myself. People who know you long enough, will see through everything eventually. You are going to meet people from all walks of life, any time, any where. Don't you want someone to like you because you are you, and not because of the idea of you? Not because of the image you project to others. Which may not always be who you really are.

Life is so much simpler, being who you really are and with no pretenses. You'd feel so much happier and lighter too.

One of those things.

Things to be thankful for today:

• Earlier for work today, and completing my tasks
• Good times catching up with Pam and Jaron @ NTU (even though the cereal fish rice stall, which I travelled all the way from CBD for closed.....) Had nice western pasta and avocado milkshake
• Good times with old friends in general, good times talking about anything with old friends in general, happy to be with old friends :)
• Going back home to see that daddy and mummy prepared air purifier for us the day the haze went for a downturn.

This week will be better, and less tiring I hope! September is really fast, slow down babe!

*

“She’s the kind of girl a guy meets when he’s too young, and he fucks up because there’s too much living to do. But later he realizes she’s perfect.”

:(

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/sep/09/tragedy-was-expected-at-norwegian-lookout-where-student-fell-to-her-death

A friend on facebook was sharing this and my heart literally plunged. Even when I read it again now, I still feel so scared because even though I didn't felt it then, I was so close to death. Not just this once, but there was also another close-to-death experience which we are so lucky to have survived. I think like what the article said, many people really underestimated the dangers of Trolltunga. We were not in any proper hiking gear (the experienced ones all brought hiking sticks (?) wore proper gear and stuffs) and all we had were hiking boots at the very least (which I'm so glad we got). Trolltunga became a super popular hiking destination 'cause of the spread on social media by people who did incredible stunts near the edge.

For one, I'm thankful I wasn't as crazy to want to do stunts. For seconds, I'm thankful I kinda know my limits and I really only went as far as I deemed safe for myself, and where I can still feel in touch with the ground.

That's literally the furthest I went, tiny me. Omg good job PJ for being scaredy cat in times like these. I cannot imagine how I will feel if I ..... *TOUCH WOOD*

To always be careful, even in the midst of fun and adventure.

One of those songs

Certain songs are triggers of nostalgia. They teleport you back to the good old times and moments that are heartwarming, leaving you with so many reasons to smile and be contented with what you've had the fortunate chance of experiencing.

And then time passes long enough, long enough that the happy feelings attached to these memories become too distant for you to feel the same. You miss that piece of memory so much, and that memory seem so far away and long ago from your current now, so unattainable. You turn from being contented with what you had, to being deprived of something you wish you could have again. Every single day forward is a drive to get closer and quicker to achieving that state of happiness again.

But on nights like these, when that particular song plays and it triggers first the good memories, I shudder at the aftermath of it, when missing something too much becomes too painful for me to say I'm contented.

And so you admit that you have to stop looking back. You have to tell yourself to never look back, and keep moving forward. Until one day, you'll notice how far you've come.

*

Don't feel very well-rested this weekend, but I'm gonna charge through. 

This weekend, I'm so thankful to have spent more quality time with my family. Last night, I had a nightmare that woke me up tearing at 5.51AM. It felt so real and I went to check on my family members to make sure it was just a dream. 

I had a thought, which I don't know if is true. But I think there will be a period in teens' lives, when they really honestly do not care much about their family because the individual himself is in the center of his life. It's inevitable? It's that self-centered phase of their lives which will come, when they are busy building themselves first and family is never their direct first priority. I think I used to have that phase when I'm much younger for a while, and I used to wonder why and couldn't figure out. But I'm glad now I know I'm way past that now, I'm glad I got over it and still returned to where I should be. It just scares me how some people may enter into that phase, and never come out of it. And really, it saddens me so much if they realise it too late.

Family is so important to me now, really appreciate every single precious moment I have with my parents especially. I realised I laughed so much more recently because of them. 

Ah I didn't like how i'm ending this weekend's post with such a negative vibe. (OK 1 fun thing that happened today: watching Maze Runner with my brothers!!! I love movies like these. It was amazing.)

But cheers to Taylor Swift's Wildest Dreams for being the highlight of my weekend. One of my favourites of her after Blank Space, and one of my all-time favourite song. It's so... ethereal.

wildest dreams

Tuesday

See P, these are blessings in disguise.

In the financial context, an investment that you never had the patience and vision to see through.

Wednesday

One of the happier things today is to be able to talk about politics with my dad in such a light-hearted manner. I love how my Dad always simplifies life for me, and he always says, "take it easy, baby" for almost everything haha. And he says baby in a really funny and weird chinese accent that it sounds like 'behbee'. Never noticed all these till lately. With Dad around, I really appreciate the security and peace of mind, knowing that I do not have to worry too much. Really, and because of this, I have the opportunity to grow up on my own, make my own decisions. And so far, (ok a little random) but my dad is the only driver I know, who gives me enough assurance for me to sleep in peace in the car, without fear. Never appreciated this part of him that much before, but I realised I really appreciate it now :-) 

<3 Tomorrow is the last work day of the week!

Note to self

Dear P,

Stop over-worrying. So many times you are so hard on yourself because unknowingly you've compared yourself to your impressive peers, who are so ahead of you. And you compare yourself to society norms. You base your ability and potential on what majority of the people think is the fastest, the safest, the most straight forward path to success.

But what if you take all these external influences away.

What if you just listen to yourself, and compare yourself to yourself only? Are you happy with what you are doing? Are you contented with the rate that you're learning. Are you complacent with where you stand now? Are you better than who you were yesterday, 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago?

Yours sincerely,
From your dearest self.

*

Too many times we get sucked into the fast track in this train of life because admit it, it's the most sought after route afterall - the fastest way to get to your destination.

But fast is no longer what I'm looking for.
I am happy and I want to be setting the pace for my life. To really work hard and be a busy bee when I should be. And also to take breaks and play to my fullest when I need to be. I was quite demoralised to be honest, today. But then I thank myself for reflecting in the shower and coming up with all these self-talks that hey, I'm just over-worrying. If I put away all these artificial benchmarks, and if I were to judge myself based on how far I've come, I think I really am proud of myself to come this far, on my own. Through making mistakes and learning from it. Through learning things the hard way and losing some of the most precious things to me in my life. Through admitting my weaknesses and embracing them.Through finding my strengths and they become my confidence-boosters.

The worst thing that could happen, is that I do not get into those kind of big MNCs companies that everyone is aiming for and queuing up to get in. The worst that could happen is that I don't have that average graduate pay that majority are getting. (And then you realise, that all these are just society norms again, benchmarks again, credentials that sound good but will they work for you yourself in the long term? Will you be happy? Will you work well?)

And that is not a bad thing, if I'm perfectly fine with taking a few u-turns and a few long roads. As long as I make it eventually. Some people have to take the long road to learn something. Maybe I'm that kind of person. And always, there will be some good in your current position that you have, that others want so much but they can't have it. Think about how someone else might deserve what you have more than you do. Don't waste the life you've carved out. Make the best out of what is given to you.

Life is a high way. Some times you have more time, some times you have less time. Some times others are winning at life but you're totally sucking in it. But what matters most is you need to stay true to yourself and never stop believing in yourself.

Things will work out eventually. So stay positive, be of good cheer, be happy with yourself so that you can bring happiness to others.

But I like to think he may have at last found some small measure of peace, that we all seek, and few of us ever find.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ellen-nguyen/2015/08/when-youre-the-person-who-never-quite-knows-how-to-let-go/? utm_content=buffer82a97&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer 

"Frankly, I don’t know. I might move on but I don’t know if I have ever fully let go of the people who have once made me feel alive, showing me how to be human. If anything, I might stop missing the person and the desire to tie my path to theirs, but I doubt that I would ever forget how much I appreciated the time I spent with them, the way they looked at me, cared for me, handing me a piece of them to hold on to, or the part of me that loved them, treasured them, changed because of them.

Perhaps, one day, I will come to feel neutral about him or any of those people, being genuinely happy for their happiness and keep in touch with them on good terms. Or maybe, I can never be sure about my feelings and my chest will again tighten at the sight of them with someone not me. But I guess it’s okay. It’s okay to never quite know how to let go, to carry with me the sentiments for the people who once crossed my path, to think of them now and then without having all the answers to why I feel what I feel. It’s okay as long as I don’t let it hold me back from enjoying my life and from the people who choose me and choose to make me happy.

After all, they had a part of me, for which they will always be here with me. And I will be with them too. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a gift for ever having found each other in this world of billions."

SUNDAY

Good sunday because there're good movies on HBO.

• The Bucket List
• Blood Diamond
• Seabiscuit
• The Da Vinci Code
• FINDING NEMO (hehehehe)

Turned on the the tv this afternoon and The Bucket List was already 2/3 gone. Based on that last 30 minutes or so I think it's my type of movie, shall watch it full one day. 

Blood Diamond, one of my brother's favorite and as much as Leonardo Dicaprio is my all-time favorite for so many years, it just isn't mine. I think it just makes me sad that there is some truth to it and it just ... well. And my brother told me how he picked up the African accent in the movie, which I haven't really realised the past few times when I watched it. How cool and talented is that? And he acted with a different accent without losing his authentic Leonardo-ness. Leonardo Dicaprio is my all-time favorite actor, makes me question myself who's my all-time favorite actress? A good to-do for the next few months for me to find out.

Seabiscuit - a true story of the undersized Depression-era racehorse whose victories lifted the spirits of the team behind it and also gripped the heart of their nation. (from the info bar)

I'm a sucker for movies based on/adapted from true life events.

And yeah, I need to finish reading my book because once again, the due date has passed hahaha.

And omg i just got bitten by mozzies. I HATE MOZZIES!!!

*

Anyway I really enjoy great movies. Everytime I watch a good one, it makes me believe that there is a greater, grander and more complete mean of life than what I have here in Singapore. It's not a criticism that what I have here in Singapore is not enough. But knowing that other versions of life exist, I myself wish that I could live them here within the limits of Singapore because it makes me feel like I'm living more like a human. Experiencing the multi-facets that life has to offer. Most of which are simple and free. For example, I really love nature and if we have a countryside with abundance of nature, wild animals and flora and fauna... mountains and waterfalls... people who are indigenous... I would be very happy, and I know that whenever I need to wind down from the city life, there's a place I can retreat to. A place that's free from all these and is peaceful. I can spend money to take a train to all these. Or if I have time to spare, I can take buses or walk myself. Such simple retreats of living are pretty affordable and attainable to everyone, but in Singapore, we usually have to pay money, or venture overseas to enjoy the same basic thing. It's the lack of all these which I think many people are travelling out. It's all about feeling free.

Okay I don't know what I've just typed. But okay BYE I have some errands to run. May the second week of September continue to be great :)

September's my month

Hehehehehe weekends are here :)

More than a year ago, I left Singapore and began life in beautiful Norway. A country I barely knew much of. I thought by now, I would have been so excited to be nostalgic and do a 1 year anniversary kind of thing. But surprisingly I didn't. Is it because I'm too busy? Is it because I'm growing up haha and some things are better left like that. Till a better time comes again. 

Who knows? 

But whenever I'm in need of some happy vibes, I know I can always go back to my million of photos and memories and they never fail to bring a smile to my face.

Today's gonna be fun 'cause I'm going to USS.

I chanced upon this on the train commute to work this week. 

Finally watched it today because it appeared on my newsfeed again and it got me like......

Hahaha okay back to my song of the month:

Inspirational, knowledge and wisdom, motivation

Thursday night @ holland with the girls <3

:') surprise postcard

Thursday / Impromptu girls' night out: korean bbq + drinks

One of the gains I had out of the loss was sharing. Sharing unknowingly, helps me learn how to talk and open up to people quite easily. It's been a long long time since I felt awkward when meeting new people. I actually do enjoy the conversations that I have once in a while with different people. It keeps my mind alive and alert, eager to know more, pique my interests. Basically happy and inspired all the time.

"You're a keeper." You don't know how much hearing that surprised me.

One of my favorite things to do is to let Spotify run different moods/genres based on what I'm feelin' right then. And I'll listen to new/random/interesting songs in whichever order Spotify decides. It's a bit like song shopping, you try on some a little, you enjoy some a little, others you just chuck and skip next.

But my most favourite part is coming across a really good song that simply fits my soul. And for me, I know it when a song is good to me. Give me a few days and let me listen to it again, I'll still tell you I really really like it just as much as the first time I heard it. And when you find the right song, it works wonders.

Current favourite: Robbers by The 1975

The 1975 is one of those group which I only knew 'cause of their few hit songs. I never officially felt that they are one of my fav bands till lately, because too many times, I come across their songs on random and fell in love with each of them differently. Every single time.

Their style is so unique. It reminds me of Norway, of Scandinavia. Modern living within a natural and authentic landscape. Modern on the inside, down-to-earth and silently charming on the outside.
It's peace and bliss.

*

Anyway, as expected, my suspicion of the reason behind my sore throat was right! Damn, it must be all the germs from so many different people as I take the train every single day. I don't usually think so badly of it, but now I find it a little disgusting. :( sigh. I hope I heal faster.

• Laundry
• Fresh bedsheets for my bed
• Cleared 1/4 of my room
• Watched Mulan halfway
• Loading 'Mean Girls'
• Still feeling inspired from yesterday :)

Interesting reads/videos:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurengensler/2015/08/27/couple-saves-travel-world/?utm_campaign=ForbesWoman&utm_source=TWITTER&utm_medium=social&utm_channel=Investing&linkId=16590085
to save at least half of your monthly paycheck and still be able to live comfortably / things will work out eventually, so don't worry too much at an initial point in time

http://www.goodlifeproject.com/3-things/
don't be obsessed with success / rather, keep in mind what's more important to your growth in this decade: to experiment and come out of this decade more knowledgeable about yourself, your strength, your beliefs. 1) Who am I? 2) What matters to me? 3) What am I good at

*

I understand now. Even though the missing piece is still missing, even though I do not have the answers to my questions, I understand now. 

Weekends

Down with a sudden (and random?) fever last night and it was horrible, I hate to be sick!

But after many hours of sleep my fever subsided and yay, I can get on with my weekend plans. 

Everything's been great so far today. I've never really been a youtube fan, never really got hooked on it except to watch MVs, find out song lyrics, watch Sims gameplay (haha) and that's pretty much it. But today I was searching online for top body shop products because i have a voucher due today and I need to decide what to treat myself to. And aww really hooked onto this youtuber already. If you play Sims and know this mood: Inspired, I think that's ME right now. 

A few thoughts and to-dos on my list for the coming week or so: to declutter my room and my mind, to get rid of things I no longer need, because I think less is more for my room. Too many junk that I've not cleared. 

I'm confident I'll be feeling much better after all these is done!

And also, reminder to self: I am 21, going on 22 this year. Not that young, but not that old too, so make the best out of it before all's too late.

http://afroginthefjord.com/2015/01/02/the-real-reasons-why-norway-is-the-best-place-on-earth/

Enjoyed reading this, especially the part where they say there is respect for all humankind in this country. And basically just how awesome Norway and the Norwegians are. Maybe that's the unexplainable reason why im super happy there.

Anyway during work today, some customers from european/angmoh countries who came reminded me so much of how much i love talking to them. They are generally always f

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. 

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."

Picture what life was like without technology

In contrast to how technology helps to save time, I feel that in a life without technology, you'll be more free and more fulfilled everyday. For the same unit of time, a life without technology allows you to do more things than in a life without. There will always be chores to do: feeding animals, cleaning, harvesting (what I remembered from the talk about olden days with my older cousins) Things that make you busy. Things that take time. Sometimes taking time to do things is good. Rushing through things is not good, you do not get to experience the whole full seconds/minutes/hours where you'll drift into a rhythm and then in between those pocket of spaces you get to reflect and return back to your mind and soul.

Not sure if you understood what I meant, but I just realised it during the past few days of 1 hour chanting non-stop.

Ahma's funeral really taught me a lot, and I think I grew up a little more. I finally understood certain things, finally appreciated certain things, finally grew into liking certain things i don't used to like. What we remember from childhood to be old and damaged remnants of the past, used to have their glorious and beautiful days which we younger generation sadly missed out on. Knowing their earlier glorious days now reminded me how impressive life without technology was then, and how impressive the people who lived without technology are.

What I've learnt from my ahma, is to be happy and to always be kind-hearted and gentle and giving. Because even till her last days, and even after she passed, whenever I tried to recollect memories of her, there were never angry moments of her in my memory. There were never sad moments of her, except when she was weak. Even in sickness, my ahma did not once show that she was in pain, never once did she let it show on her face when she attends CNY celebrations, her birthday celebration. Except on the sick bed when the painkillers are no longer working, did she really let it show on her face. It was heartbreaking to see this sight of ahma, for the first and last time.

The portrait of ahma during the funeral will forever be etched in my mind. She was so beautiful, and so happy that I can barely see her eyes. My biggest regret is not having taken an photo together with ahma this year.

*

And once in a while, we need to re-learn how to forget.

In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

—Mitch Albom

So tired I almost fell asleep drying my hair.

Visited Ahma again tonight. It's really saddening to see her suffering in pain. Helpless most of the time and not sure how we can best help her when she isn't responsive today. Just hoping and praying that she knows we are all there for her.

"Just like Eun Dong's words, "A star that forms the latest, lasts the longest, if it means that the longer it takes to meet again, the more we will shine the brightest and longest... I will wait."

;-)

Aww I love Chinese proverbs.

Was watching an episode of Roommate where Dongwook and Seho are teaching Joon Hyung and Ryohei Korean proverbs. Realised how similar they are with Chinese ones and I'm so happy I can recall some of the common proverbs/idioms we used to quote multiple times in every 作文.

Omg, and that particular proverb that I recalled was this:
亡羊补牢，未为迟也。
(I actually only remembered the first part, and only after googling did I get the second part)

OMG I really love Chinese and am appreciating the language. All those years of not touching it has made my memory rusty but I'm still so surprised that I can remember things like that. Maybe I'm naturally gifted :B

And I really love this line that I always use in my concluding paragraph:
一言以蔽之

It's such a beautiful phrase isn't it?

I wish there's a way for me to learn/brush up my chinese again. Times like this, I'm appreciative of Singapore's bilingual policy. :)

When emotions run like wild horses

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I miss my best friend so so so much it's killin' me on the inside. Okay fine that's an exaggeration. We were like best friends who were apart for a long long time.

And I feel helpless at times like these because I know if anybody knows that I still harbour such longing for someone they will definitely ...... If I'm alone and by myself, this is really who I am, I can't deny and hide all the time. I'm afraid to tell anyone anything now, because part of me feels that some of my friends will slowly drift away if they see me this way. They may or may not understand me fully, and when they can't understand me, it's easy to misunderstand me. It's sad to even think of it, because I can't just bring myself to say "Well, if they see my true self and still decide to leave, then they're not your true friends afterall." I just can't. 'Cause I trust and love my friends so so much.

But i'm perfectly fine. Except the random mood swings this week for the first time ever since I started my internship - highly suspect it's hormonal. So I feel that I'm not in that can't-get-over-someone deep hole. I'm able to lead my own life quite happily for a while now, and once in a while, these breezes of nostalgia visit me and I can't help but smile at some of the memories still. After all there were great memories and my ultimate hope is that one day we can continue to create new memories as friends. And when friendship is concerned, there are never enough memories to make.

A part of me is learning what it takes to be a friend in this whole journey.

Alright. Thank you my blog. You've been my other best friend ever since my teenage years, listening to me rant and being my space for me to share about my thoughts and for me to sort out my thoughts.
Especially times like this when my family aren't around, you make me feel that I still have myself and I will be fine on my own. Haha didn't think I would miss them but I do! They've just reached Shanghai and it looks beautifullll.

Good night.

More sure than ever

Nope, I did not make the wrong choice.
NUS is where I need to be. To be pushed out of my comfort zone, and to stay hungry and adaptable more than ever.

Wednesday 12 August 2015

What is real and what is not real? You may be asking yourself that question right now about what something someone is telling you. You may not be sure if this person can separate fact from fiction, or if perhaps you are being mislead intentionally. You needn't worry about it, Virgo. As long as you are alert and aware of that possibility, nothing will get past you. Just let it play out naturally, and the truth will come to you. It will all work out very well in the end.

How about most of the change and growth i need to experience in this emotional life has already been triggered and activated because of you.

Is it Tuesday blues? Or it's just a first work day of the week thing? Or is it something else?
I can't explain why I'm feeling rather down today.

I was early for work though. And I wore my new pair of shoes.

And I usually don't have pms.

It doesn't make sense.

Roommate Ep 33 is the best :')

"Basically, we're telling you to have fun and enjoy yourselves. You really have to cherish these moments. That's right. Also, it may be difficult now, but if you look back, you were really happy. Before you become successful, you realise how precious those difficult moments were and how fun it was back then. But, you don't know that when you're suffering. I hope you guys will be able to cherish those difficult moments if they come your way."

And here's to the many difficult moments to come, to learn to embrace and cherish them for they're the first sign that something great is awaiting!

My favorite parts of #SG50 NDP

• Other than the fighter planes, SG's very only SIA flew their planes across the island!
• Local stars - Stefanie Sun and JJ Lin
• Marching contingent as always
• Tanks, jets, (otw home we saw the tanks being brought back to base)

Monday Aug 10 2015

You may be feeling very alone right now, Virgo, as you work through a problem that is holding you back and frustrating you, but you are not alone. Someone is there for you. Someone is hoping and waiting to embrace you and encourage you and inspire you to work through this challenge. You may not want to show that you are in need of such nurturing, but you are. You could be stubborn and refuse and reject someone's caring, but that wouldn't be wise, and it wouldn't make for an easy path. Make life easier and accept someone's love.

A good feeling for a #Virgo: Helping the person you love reach their goals in life.

Let's take our time / To say what we want 

Use what we got / Before it's all gone 

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

Italian style

Suddenly, everything has changed.

Once again, anything can happen in a day. Miracles happen in a day. Disasters happen in a day. Someone's life can be changed in a day.

For me now, all I want to remember of last night is that we can still be friends like nothing has ever happened between us. That's how friends should be right? That no matter how badly things have become, we still, on our own, get through and face each day with no grudges held within us.

I have my own reasons to be thankful for many many things. The friends that I care so much and who've been by my side always. Friends that are not afraid of telling me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. And new friends who make me feel at home.

It's funny how much today contradicts with my previous posts about you. They were true thoughts and decisions but when I saw you last night I just feel like things are different. And that's how you've always been, confusing me round and round again. It could be a case of you being my illusion. It could also be a case of that's all there is - the air is clear and we forgive each other for all that had happened. And before I delve deeper into over-thinking, I want to take this moment to appreciate everything and everyone and every moment leading to this current state of mine - blissful, contented and at peace.

Y'know, change doesn't happen overnight. You won't usually know when the change began, when it starts to take shape, and when it becomes permanent. And I think i'm in that phase now. I know I'm much better now. Just not sure of officially when. And maybe last night was the confirmation that I'm truly okay with us this way. I'll be happy to see you again, like how old friends who haven't seen each other in a while do. But I wouldn't be too sad when we are apart, because we are all busy with our own lives and trying our best to cope with everything life throws at us in this decade.

I'll never know what exactly it is, but I'm thankful for you and for everything. I have learnt so much from this whole experience, good and bad. And for all the valuable lessons, I feel that I've gained so much. Learning makes me happy, because then I know that day by day, I'm inching closer towards being wiser.

Being contented and peaceful is also my one other kind of happiness.

(Anyway i just remembered an awkward moment last night - when I passed you the tissue lol)

What better way to show support, than to be there physically.

I still have strength

Time indeed tells everything, and you're already the person you said you'll never be

"Everything you do feels a little like redemption of what you did; just so your conscience could sleep at night, your guilt won't bite, your reputation won't stink and people won't look at you with that judging eyes. I'm not saying I doubt you entirely, but you can't blame me for doubting either."

Sunday evening

Hello!

I love the weekends so much now that I work 5 days a week 9-6. Now I understand why some say they prefer work to school because at least after work, you can really do anything you want and just rest. For school, you really are a full-time 24/7 student because after school you'll have all the assignments and revision piling up and waiting for you. I still remember those days... exam periods are no joke.

Anyway, today 2nd August marks my official 1 month mark with Citi! It really had been a busy and fulfilling 4 weeks. I was reading my book and there's this line "The focus baking requires settles my mind and my nerves, doesn't let other thoughts sneak it." How aptly put! I think all I had to do is replace the word baking with working at Citi. Hehe I wouldn't say it's an easy internship because I've been tested to go out of my comfort zones so many times already (even though it's only been a month). But yeah, I'm very happy with what I'm learning and I look forward to who I will become at the end of this internship. It's weird for me to say this, I think it's the first time I've ever said anything positive about work? But I enjoy my internship and I look forward to each day. It's pretty exciting and fun. Thankful for the nice mentors and fellow interns in my team. (But why is that all the people I love are leaving :()

I believe in all work but no play makes Jane a dull girl, but I now believe even more in work hard, play harder! Haha I really like that my weekends are literally holidays for me. I can slack/relax/read/swim/watch shows and everything without guilt. That feeling is SO awesome.

It feels pretty much like my secondary school days somehow, my younger days. And it's pleasantly comforting :) This is me getting my life back.

Just really can't wait to go on a get away. I told myself I MUST go overseas somewhere at least for this summer but all the plans and opportunities came and I couldn't. I will be spending quite a lonely national day this year as my family will be away :( So i've been inviting friends to come over to stayover. I HOPE AT LEAST SOME OF THEM COULD COME. Lonely national day, watching the parade on TV and singing "Home" alone is not my definition of fun.

Alright I'm off for a bath, before I continue reading my book because the due date is today.

I feel like we didn't need to go down this road.

I was genuinely alright. Some days I feel like whatever has happened is part and parcel of life, and it need not be as bad as I imagined it to be. Days like these, I feel happy to be able to see the bigger picture of life, and that relationships have their ups and downs. I'm thankful for you and I'm thankful for the lessons. Deep down, I also know that time will heal our friendship and it's just a matter of time when we will be able to be friends again.

I honestly, know that we can be friends again. Even though we aren't the sweetest couple around, but I felt we can make amazing friends. (Even our horoscopes say so okay).

But I feel sad that I have my doubts now. When I pursued my own path of healing, I am still able to love you as a friend, I am able to care for you as a friend. I can even imagine myself, treating you like how I would treat my other friends, if we happen to pass by each other on the streets. It really made me feel that, "See, I really am alright. And it's okay we are like that now." And I'm glad I can even reach this stage.

But i guess this is yet another period of change. This whole process of healing has so many different sub-stages that once I'm comfortable in one, situations change and I'm challenged with yet another setting. I feel like I'm going through a life challenge and one by one i'm hopping over all these hurdles.

Haha come what may, I think I already saw the finishing line. Like what I've said previously, maybe I'm not the one who's not ready to be friends, but you. Or, it could also just be a case of one-sided friendship.