One of my favorite things to do is to let Spotify run different moods/genres based on what I'm feelin' right then. And I'll listen to new/random/interesting songs in whichever order Spotify decides. It's a bit like song shopping, you try on some a little, you enjoy some a little, others you just chuck and skip next.
But my most favourite part is coming across a really good song that simply fits my soul. And for me, I know it when a song is good to me. Give me a few days and let me listen to it again, I'll still tell you I really really like it just as much as the first time I heard it. And when you find the right song, it works wonders.
Current favourite: Robbers by The 1975
The 1975 is one of those group which I only knew 'cause of their few hit songs. I never officially felt that they are one of my fav bands till lately, because too many times, I come across their songs on random and fell in love with each of them differently. Every single time.
Their style is so unique. It reminds me of Norway, of Scandinavia. Modern living within a natural and authentic landscape. Modern on the inside, down-to-earth and silently charming on the outside.
It's peace and bliss.
*
Anyway, as expected, my suspicion of the reason behind my sore throat was right! Damn, it must be all the germs from so many different people as I take the train every single day. I don't usually think so badly of it, but now I find it a little disgusting. :( sigh. I hope I heal faster.
Sunday, 30 August 2015
LaundryFresh bedsheets for my bedCleared 1/4 of my room- Watched Mulan halfway
- Loading 'Mean Girls'
- Still feeling inspired from yesterday :)
Interesting reads/videos:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurengensler/2015/08/27/couple-saves-travel-world/?utm_campaign=ForbesWoman&utm_source=TWITTER&utm_medium=social&utm_channel=Investing&linkId=16590085
to save at least half of your monthly paycheck and still be able to live comfortably / things will work out eventually, so don't worry too much at an initial point in time
to save at least half of your monthly paycheck and still be able to live comfortably / things will work out eventually, so don't worry too much at an initial point in time
http://www.goodlifeproject.com/3-things/
don't be obsessed with success / rather, keep in mind what's more important to your growth in this decade: to experiment and come out of this decade more knowledgeable about yourself, your strength, your beliefs. 1) Who am I? 2) What matters to me? 3) What am I good at
*
I understand now. Even though the missing piece is still missing, even though I do not have the answers to my questions, I understand now.
don't be obsessed with success / rather, keep in mind what's more important to your growth in this decade: to experiment and come out of this decade more knowledgeable about yourself, your strength, your beliefs. 1) Who am I? 2) What matters to me? 3) What am I good at
*
I understand now. Even though the missing piece is still missing, even though I do not have the answers to my questions, I understand now.
Saturday, 29 August 2015
Weekends
Down with a sudden (and random?) fever last night and it was horrible, I hate to be sick!
But after many hours of sleep my fever subsided and yay, I can get on with my weekend plans.
Everything's been great so far today. I've never really been a youtube fan, never really got hooked on it except to watch MVs, find out song lyrics, watch Sims gameplay (haha) and that's pretty much it. But today I was searching online for top body shop products because i have a voucher due today and I need to decide what to treat myself to. And aww really hooked onto this youtuber already. If you play Sims and know this mood: Inspired, I think that's ME right now.
A few thoughts and to-dos on my list for the coming week or so: to declutter my room and my mind, to get rid of things I no longer need, because I think less is more for my room. Too many junk that I've not cleared.
I'm confident I'll be feeling much better after all these is done!
And also, reminder to self: I am 21, going on 22 this year. Not that young, but not that old too, so make the best out of it before all's too late.
And also, reminder to self: I am 21, going on 22 this year. Not that young, but not that old too, so make the best out of it before all's too late.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
http://afroginthefjord.com/2015/01/02/the-real-reasons-why-norway-is-the-best-place-on-earth/
Enjoyed reading this, especially the part where they say there is respect for all humankind in this country. And basically just how awesome Norway and the Norwegians are. Maybe that's the unexplainable reason why im super happy there.
Anyway during work today, some customers from european/angmoh countries who came reminded me so much of how much i love talking to them. They are generally always f
Enjoyed reading this, especially the part where they say there is respect for all humankind in this country. And basically just how awesome Norway and the Norwegians are. Maybe that's the unexplainable reason why im super happy there.
Anyway during work today, some customers from european/angmoh countries who came reminded me so much of how much i love talking to them. They are generally always f
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."
Picture what life was like without technology
In contrast to how technology helps to save time, I feel that in a life without technology, you'll be more free and more fulfilled everyday. For the same unit of time, a life without technology allows you to do more things than in a life without. There will always be chores to do: feeding animals, cleaning, harvesting (what I remembered from the talk about olden days with my older cousins) Things that make you busy. Things that take time. Sometimes taking time to do things is good. Rushing through things is not good, you do not get to experience the whole full seconds/minutes/hours where you'll drift into a rhythm and then in between those pocket of spaces you get to reflect and return back to your mind and soul.
Not sure if you understood what I meant, but I just realised it during the past few days of 1 hour chanting non-stop.
Ahma's funeral really taught me a lot, and I think I grew up a little more. I finally understood certain things, finally appreciated certain things, finally grew into liking certain things i don't used to like. What we remember from childhood to be old and damaged remnants of the past, used to have their glorious and beautiful days which we younger generation sadly missed out on. Knowing their earlier glorious days now reminded me how impressive life without technology was then, and how impressive the people who lived without technology are.
What I've learnt from my ahma, is to be happy and to always be kind-hearted and gentle and giving. Because even till her last days, and even after she passed, whenever I tried to recollect memories of her, there were never angry moments of her in my memory. There were never sad moments of her, except when she was weak. Even in sickness, my ahma did not once show that she was in pain, never once did she let it show on her face when she attends CNY celebrations, her birthday celebration. Except on the sick bed when the painkillers are no longer working, did she really let it show on her face. It was heartbreaking to see this sight of ahma, for the first and last time.
The portrait of ahma during the funeral will forever be etched in my mind. She was so beautiful, and so happy that I can barely see her eyes. My biggest regret is not having taken an photo together with ahma this year.
Not sure if you understood what I meant, but I just realised it during the past few days of 1 hour chanting non-stop.
Ahma's funeral really taught me a lot, and I think I grew up a little more. I finally understood certain things, finally appreciated certain things, finally grew into liking certain things i don't used to like. What we remember from childhood to be old and damaged remnants of the past, used to have their glorious and beautiful days which we younger generation sadly missed out on. Knowing their earlier glorious days now reminded me how impressive life without technology was then, and how impressive the people who lived without technology are.
What I've learnt from my ahma, is to be happy and to always be kind-hearted and gentle and giving. Because even till her last days, and even after she passed, whenever I tried to recollect memories of her, there were never angry moments of her in my memory. There were never sad moments of her, except when she was weak. Even in sickness, my ahma did not once show that she was in pain, never once did she let it show on her face when she attends CNY celebrations, her birthday celebration. Except on the sick bed when the painkillers are no longer working, did she really let it show on her face. It was heartbreaking to see this sight of ahma, for the first and last time.
The portrait of ahma during the funeral will forever be etched in my mind. She was so beautiful, and so happy that I can barely see her eyes. My biggest regret is not having taken an photo together with ahma this year.
*
And once in a while, we need to re-learn how to forget.
In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.
—Mitch Albom
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
Sunday, 16 August 2015
Saturday, 15 August 2015
;-)
Aww I love Chinese proverbs.
Was watching an episode of Roommate where Dongwook and Seho are teaching Joon Hyung and Ryohei Korean proverbs. Realised how similar they are with Chinese ones and I'm so happy I can recall some of the common proverbs/idioms we used to quote multiple times in every 作文.
Omg, and that particular proverb that I recalled was this:
亡羊补牢，未为迟也。
(I actually only remembered the first part, and only after googling did I get the second part)
OMG I really love Chinese and am appreciating the language. All those years of not touching it has made my memory rusty but I'm still so surprised that I can remember things like that. Maybe I'm naturally gifted :B
And I really love this line that I always use in my concluding paragraph:
一言以蔽之
It's such a beautiful phrase isn't it?
I wish there's a way for me to learn/brush up my chinese again. Times like this, I'm appreciative of Singapore's bilingual policy. :)
Was watching an episode of Roommate where Dongwook and Seho are teaching Joon Hyung and Ryohei Korean proverbs. Realised how similar they are with Chinese ones and I'm so happy I can recall some of the common proverbs/idioms we used to quote multiple times in every 作文.
Omg, and that particular proverb that I recalled was this:
亡羊补牢，未为迟也。
(I actually only remembered the first part, and only after googling did I get the second part)
OMG I really love Chinese and am appreciating the language. All those years of not touching it has made my memory rusty but I'm still so surprised that I can remember things like that. Maybe I'm naturally gifted :B
And I really love this line that I always use in my concluding paragraph:
一言以蔽之
It's such a beautiful phrase isn't it?
I wish there's a way for me to learn/brush up my chinese again. Times like this, I'm appreciative of Singapore's bilingual policy. :)
Thursday, 13 August 2015
When emotions run like wild horses
I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I miss my best friend so so so much it's killin' me on the inside. Okay fine that's an exaggeration. We were like best friends who were apart for a long long time.
And I feel helpless at times like these because I know if anybody knows that I still harbour such longing for someone they will definitely ...... If I'm alone and by myself, this is really who I am, I can't deny and hide all the time. I'm afraid to tell anyone anything now, because part of me feels that some of my friends will slowly drift away if they see me this way. They may or may not understand me fully, and when they can't understand me, it's easy to misunderstand me. It's sad to even think of it, because I can't just bring myself to say "Well, if they see my true self and still decide to leave, then they're not your true friends afterall." I just can't. 'Cause I trust and love my friends so so much.
But i'm perfectly fine. Except the random mood swings this week for the first time ever since I started my internship - highly suspect it's hormonal. So I feel that I'm not in that can't-get-over-someone deep hole. I'm able to lead my own life quite happily for a while now, and once in a while, these breezes of nostalgia visit me and I can't help but smile at some of the memories still. After all there were great memories and my ultimate hope is that one day we can continue to create new memories as friends. And when friendship is concerned, there are never enough memories to make.
A part of me is learning what it takes to be a friend in this whole journey.
Alright. Thank you my blog. You've been my other best friend ever since my teenage years, listening to me rant and being my space for me to share about my thoughts and for me to sort out my thoughts.
Especially times like this when my family aren't around, you make me feel that I still have myself and I will be fine on my own. Haha didn't think I would miss them but I do! They've just reached Shanghai and it looks beautifullll.
Good night.
And I feel helpless at times like these because I know if anybody knows that I still harbour such longing for someone they will definitely ...... If I'm alone and by myself, this is really who I am, I can't deny and hide all the time. I'm afraid to tell anyone anything now, because part of me feels that some of my friends will slowly drift away if they see me this way. They may or may not understand me fully, and when they can't understand me, it's easy to misunderstand me. It's sad to even think of it, because I can't just bring myself to say "Well, if they see my true self and still decide to leave, then they're not your true friends afterall." I just can't. 'Cause I trust and love my friends so so much.
But i'm perfectly fine. Except the random mood swings this week for the first time ever since I started my internship - highly suspect it's hormonal. So I feel that I'm not in that can't-get-over-someone deep hole. I'm able to lead my own life quite happily for a while now, and once in a while, these breezes of nostalgia visit me and I can't help but smile at some of the memories still. After all there were great memories and my ultimate hope is that one day we can continue to create new memories as friends. And when friendship is concerned, there are never enough memories to make.
A part of me is learning what it takes to be a friend in this whole journey.
Alright. Thank you my blog. You've been my other best friend ever since my teenage years, listening to me rant and being my space for me to share about my thoughts and for me to sort out my thoughts.
Especially times like this when my family aren't around, you make me feel that I still have myself and I will be fine on my own. Haha didn't think I would miss them but I do! They've just reached Shanghai and it looks beautifullll.
Good night.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
More sure than ever
Nope, I did not make the wrong choice.
NUS is where I need to be. To be pushed out of my comfort zone, and to stay hungry and adaptable more than ever.
NUS is where I need to be. To be pushed out of my comfort zone, and to stay hungry and adaptable more than ever.
Wednesday 12 August 2015
What is real and what is not real? You may be asking yourself that question right now about what something someone is telling you. You may not be sure if this person can separate fact from fiction, or if perhaps you are being mislead intentionally. You needn't worry about it, Virgo. As long as you are alert and aware of that possibility, nothing will get past you. Just let it play out naturally, and the truth will come to you. It will all work out very well in the end.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
Monday, 10 August 2015
Roommate Ep 33 is the best :')
"Basically, we're telling you to have fun and enjoy yourselves. You really have to cherish these moments. That's right. Also, it may be difficult now, but if you look back, you were really happy. Before you become successful, you realise how precious those difficult moments were and how fun it was back then. But, you don't know that when you're suffering. I hope you guys will be able to cherish those difficult moments if they come your way."
And here's to the many difficult moments to come, to learn to embrace and cherish them for they're the first sign that something great is awaiting!
And here's to the many difficult moments to come, to learn to embrace and cherish them for they're the first sign that something great is awaiting!
My favorite parts of #SG50 NDP
- Other than the fighter planes, SG's very only SIA flew their planes across the island!
- Local stars - Stefanie Sun and JJ Lin
- Marching contingent as always
- Tanks, jets, (otw home we saw the tanks being brought back to base)
Monday Aug 10 2015
You may be feeling very alone right now, Virgo, as you work through a problem that is holding you back and frustrating you, but you are not alone. Someone is there for you. Someone is hoping and waiting to embrace you and encourage you and inspire you to work through this challenge. You may not want to show that you are in need of such nurturing, but you are. You could be stubborn and refuse and reject someone's caring, but that wouldn't be wise, and it wouldn't make for an easy path. Make life easier and accept someone's love.
Let's take our time / To say what we want
Use what we got / Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Italian style
Suddenly, everything has changed.
Once again, anything can happen in a day. Miracles happen in a day. Disasters happen in a day. Someone's life can be changed in a day.
For me now, all I want to remember of last night is that we can still be friends like nothing has ever happened between us. That's how friends should be right? That no matter how badly things have become, we still, on our own, get through and face each day with no grudges held within us.
I have my own reasons to be thankful for many many things. The friends that I care so much and who've been by my side always. Friends that are not afraid of telling me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. And new friends who make me feel at home.
It's funny how much today contradicts with my previous posts about you. They were true thoughts and decisions but when I saw you last night I just feel like things are different. And that's how you've always been, confusing me round and round again. It could be a case of you being my illusion. It could also be a case of that's all there is - the air is clear and we forgive each other for all that had happened. And before I delve deeper into over-thinking, I want to take this moment to appreciate everything and everyone and every moment leading to this current state of mine - blissful, contented and at peace.
Y'know, change doesn't happen overnight. You won't usually know when the change began, when it starts to take shape, and when it becomes permanent. And I think i'm in that phase now. I know I'm much better now. Just not sure of officially when. And maybe last night was the confirmation that I'm truly okay with us this way. I'll be happy to see you again, like how old friends who haven't seen each other in a while do. But I wouldn't be too sad when we are apart, because we are all busy with our own lives and trying our best to cope with everything life throws at us in this decade.
I'll never know what exactly it is, but I'm thankful for you and for everything. I have learnt so much from this whole experience, good and bad. And for all the valuable lessons, I feel that I've gained so much. Learning makes me happy, because then I know that day by day, I'm inching closer towards being wiser.
Being contented and peaceful is also my one other kind of happiness.
(Anyway i just remembered an awkward moment last night - when I passed you the tissue lol)
What better way to show support, than to be there physically.
Once again, anything can happen in a day. Miracles happen in a day. Disasters happen in a day. Someone's life can be changed in a day.
For me now, all I want to remember of last night is that we can still be friends like nothing has ever happened between us. That's how friends should be right? That no matter how badly things have become, we still, on our own, get through and face each day with no grudges held within us.
I have my own reasons to be thankful for many many things. The friends that I care so much and who've been by my side always. Friends that are not afraid of telling me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. And new friends who make me feel at home.
It's funny how much today contradicts with my previous posts about you. They were true thoughts and decisions but when I saw you last night I just feel like things are different. And that's how you've always been, confusing me round and round again. It could be a case of you being my illusion. It could also be a case of that's all there is - the air is clear and we forgive each other for all that had happened. And before I delve deeper into over-thinking, I want to take this moment to appreciate everything and everyone and every moment leading to this current state of mine - blissful, contented and at peace.
Y'know, change doesn't happen overnight. You won't usually know when the change began, when it starts to take shape, and when it becomes permanent. And I think i'm in that phase now. I know I'm much better now. Just not sure of officially when. And maybe last night was the confirmation that I'm truly okay with us this way. I'll be happy to see you again, like how old friends who haven't seen each other in a while do. But I wouldn't be too sad when we are apart, because we are all busy with our own lives and trying our best to cope with everything life throws at us in this decade.
I'll never know what exactly it is, but I'm thankful for you and for everything. I have learnt so much from this whole experience, good and bad. And for all the valuable lessons, I feel that I've gained so much. Learning makes me happy, because then I know that day by day, I'm inching closer towards being wiser.
Being contented and peaceful is also my one other kind of happiness.
(Anyway i just remembered an awkward moment last night - when I passed you the tissue lol)
What better way to show support, than to be there physically.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Time indeed tells everything, and you're already the person you said you'll never be
"Everything you do feels a little like redemption of what you did; just so your conscience could sleep at night, your guilt won't bite, your reputation won't stink and people won't look at you with that judging eyes. I'm not saying I doubt you entirely, but you can't blame me for doubting either."
Sunday, 2 August 2015
Sunday evening
Hello!
I love the weekends so much now that I work 5 days a week 9-6. Now I understand why some say they prefer work to school because at least after work, you can really do anything you want and just rest. For school, you really are a full-time 24/7 student because after school you'll have all the assignments and revision piling up and waiting for you. I still remember those days... exam periods are no joke.
Anyway, today 2nd August marks my official 1 month mark with Citi! It really had been a busy and fulfilling 4 weeks. I was reading my book and there's this line "The focus baking requires settles my mind and my nerves, doesn't let other thoughts sneak it." How aptly put! I think all I had to do is replace the word baking with working at Citi. Hehe I wouldn't say it's an easy internship because I've been tested to go out of my comfort zones so many times already (even though it's only been a month). But yeah, I'm very happy with what I'm learning and I look forward to who I will become at the end of this internship. It's weird for me to say this, I think it's the first time I've ever said anything positive about work? But I enjoy my internship and I look forward to each day. It's pretty exciting and fun. Thankful for the nice mentors and fellow interns in my team. (But why is that all the people I love are leaving :()
I believe in all work but no play makes Jane a dull girl, but I now believe even more in work hard, play harder! Haha I really like that my weekends are literally holidays for me. I can slack/relax/read/swim/watch shows and everything without guilt. That feeling is SO awesome.
It feels pretty much like my secondary school days somehow, my younger days. And it's pleasantly comforting :) This is me getting my life back.
Just really can't wait to go on a get away. I told myself I MUST go overseas somewhere at least for this summer but all the plans and opportunities came and I couldn't. I will be spending quite a lonely national day this year as my family will be away :( So i've been inviting friends to come over to stayover. I HOPE AT LEAST SOME OF THEM COULD COME. Lonely national day, watching the parade on TV and singing "Home" alone is not my definition of fun.
Alright I'm off for a bath, before I continue reading my book because the due date is today.
I love the weekends so much now that I work 5 days a week 9-6. Now I understand why some say they prefer work to school because at least after work, you can really do anything you want and just rest. For school, you really are a full-time 24/7 student because after school you'll have all the assignments and revision piling up and waiting for you. I still remember those days... exam periods are no joke.
Anyway, today 2nd August marks my official 1 month mark with Citi! It really had been a busy and fulfilling 4 weeks. I was reading my book and there's this line "The focus baking requires settles my mind and my nerves, doesn't let other thoughts sneak it." How aptly put! I think all I had to do is replace the word baking with working at Citi. Hehe I wouldn't say it's an easy internship because I've been tested to go out of my comfort zones so many times already (even though it's only been a month). But yeah, I'm very happy with what I'm learning and I look forward to who I will become at the end of this internship. It's weird for me to say this, I think it's the first time I've ever said anything positive about work? But I enjoy my internship and I look forward to each day. It's pretty exciting and fun. Thankful for the nice mentors and fellow interns in my team. (But why is that all the people I love are leaving :()
I believe in all work but no play makes Jane a dull girl, but I now believe even more in work hard, play harder! Haha I really like that my weekends are literally holidays for me. I can slack/relax/read/swim/watch shows and everything without guilt. That feeling is SO awesome.
It feels pretty much like my secondary school days somehow, my younger days. And it's pleasantly comforting :) This is me getting my life back.
Just really can't wait to go on a get away. I told myself I MUST go overseas somewhere at least for this summer but all the plans and opportunities came and I couldn't. I will be spending quite a lonely national day this year as my family will be away :( So i've been inviting friends to come over to stayover. I HOPE AT LEAST SOME OF THEM COULD COME. Lonely national day, watching the parade on TV and singing "Home" alone is not my definition of fun.
Alright I'm off for a bath, before I continue reading my book because the due date is today.
Saturday, 1 August 2015
I feel like we didn't need to go down this road.
I was genuinely alright. Some days I feel like whatever has happened is part and parcel of life, and it need not be as bad as I imagined it to be. Days like these, I feel happy to be able to see the bigger picture of life, and that relationships have their ups and downs. I'm thankful for you and I'm thankful for the lessons. Deep down, I also know that time will heal our friendship and it's just a matter of time when we will be able to be friends again.
I honestly, know that we can be friends again. Even though we aren't the sweetest couple around, but I felt we can make amazing friends. (Even our horoscopes say so okay).
But I feel sad that I have my doubts now. When I pursued my own path of healing, I am still able to love you as a friend, I am able to care for you as a friend. I can even imagine myself, treating you like how I would treat my other friends, if we happen to pass by each other on the streets. It really made me feel that, "See, I really am alright. And it's okay we are like that now." And I'm glad I can even reach this stage.
But i guess this is yet another period of change. This whole process of healing has so many different sub-stages that once I'm comfortable in one, situations change and I'm challenged with yet another setting. I feel like I'm going through a life challenge and one by one i'm hopping over all these hurdles.
Haha come what may, I think I already saw the finishing line. Like what I've said previously, maybe I'm not the one who's not ready to be friends, but you. Or, it could also just be a case of one-sided friendship.
I was genuinely alright. Some days I feel like whatever has happened is part and parcel of life, and it need not be as bad as I imagined it to be. Days like these, I feel happy to be able to see the bigger picture of life, and that relationships have their ups and downs. I'm thankful for you and I'm thankful for the lessons. Deep down, I also know that time will heal our friendship and it's just a matter of time when we will be able to be friends again.
I honestly, know that we can be friends again. Even though we aren't the sweetest couple around, but I felt we can make amazing friends. (Even our horoscopes say so okay).
But I feel sad that I have my doubts now. When I pursued my own path of healing, I am still able to love you as a friend, I am able to care for you as a friend. I can even imagine myself, treating you like how I would treat my other friends, if we happen to pass by each other on the streets. It really made me feel that, "See, I really am alright. And it's okay we are like that now." And I'm glad I can even reach this stage.
But i guess this is yet another period of change. This whole process of healing has so many different sub-stages that once I'm comfortable in one, situations change and I'm challenged with yet another setting. I feel like I'm going through a life challenge and one by one i'm hopping over all these hurdles.
Haha come what may, I think I already saw the finishing line. Like what I've said previously, maybe I'm not the one who's not ready to be friends, but you. Or, it could also just be a case of one-sided friendship.
The grass is greener where you water it
I don't know what came over me with that previous post. But I guess I just want to be myself now, unfiltered.
I've been reading this blog for quite a while, and I'm surprised by how much I resonate with her. Noting some of these down for myself, because I feel exactly the same way.
These are just some of it. And I'm relieved to know that there is someone out there, who feels the same as me. All the things about how people with arranged marriages turned out perfectly fine and they learnt to love each other always reminded me that it is possible.
I'm very glad that I'm not alone in this. And I'm very glad that I know it's possible. But maybe that's why it hurts a lot to know that you made it impossible. 2 hands to clap yo.
(Anyway, with regards to all these outpouring of thoughts, it may feel like all these are still raw in my heart but I promise that these are perhaps delayed outpouring of thoughts that's been within me for ages. I promise I am better now, and I'm not emo. But writing all these down made me feel much better. And lastly, without my friends, family and myself, I wouldn't have been who I am now. So I'm blessed, and bless you all!)
I've been reading this blog for quite a while, and I'm surprised by how much I resonate with her. Noting some of these down for myself, because I feel exactly the same way.
- http://irinatyt.blogspot.sg/2013/03/all-that-party-shit.html
There are so many other ways to have fun, but it's a pity in Singapore that's the way it is. I've experienced a different side about clubs and drinking on exchange, and I feel sad that in SG it'll never be the same. It can be a wonderful and fun experience if done right, but oh wells. - "People change, and often like it or not, they become the person they said they will never be."
And to you, I feel like, you became the person you said you'll never be. - This feels eerily de ja vu. They were pretty much, the exact same words I said to you that day, 18 May 2014. That there are always people better out there for you. There is someone better than me for you, and also better than you for me. But here I am, completely aware of that but I'm still choosing you, I choose you. And I'm happy this way. That to myself is my own recognition of how much I love you. But dear, can't you see that love is not about finding the right one, but learning how to love the one you already have?
- http://irinatyt.blogspot.sg/2013/07/giving-your-all.html
This. "And I will do everything it takes to not fail. And I did everything it took, but it still failed. - Katy Perry"
These are just some of it. And I'm relieved to know that there is someone out there, who feels the same as me. All the things about how people with arranged marriages turned out perfectly fine and they learnt to love each other always reminded me that it is possible.
I'm very glad that I'm not alone in this. And I'm very glad that I know it's possible. But maybe that's why it hurts a lot to know that you made it impossible. 2 hands to clap yo.
(Anyway, with regards to all these outpouring of thoughts, it may feel like all these are still raw in my heart but I promise that these are perhaps delayed outpouring of thoughts that's been within me for ages. I promise I am better now, and I'm not emo. But writing all these down made me feel much better. And lastly, without my friends, family and myself, I wouldn't have been who I am now. So I'm blessed, and bless you all!)
Robin Williams: "You don't know about real loss. 'Cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself."
Maybe it's time to admit I am weak and not so wise afterall.
I really really really wish now, that I haven't met you.
Thinking about how my life would turn out without you and all the shit you brought me, while you are there caring only about your reputation, disgusts me so terribly.
I thought I was the only one who could see your kind heart and I stood by you. I stood by you even when times are tough and I stood by you even when I'm struggling. Do you, even know how I feel?
But now, I don't even dare to imagine the kind of things you spoke of me to your friends.
The things you think are the truth, are so ridiculously untrue. I guess I'm both lucky, and unlucky, to hear stuffs about what you've said about me to others, from other people's mouths. It's so unbelivable yknow.
I'm sure you know it deep down yourself, who was the one who got hurt badly.
I used to choose not to say anything much about us, anything bad about you simply because I understand why you do certain things and I believe and trust you. But lately even the people I talk to, pointed out that I am still protecting you even before I realise it myself.
But now, knowing that you haven't done the same for me... I feel too tired to continue on knowing that what I'm doing, is like slotting coins in a coin machine that will never give me the drink. Believing and trusting you was good for myself honestly, for quite a good while. But now I'm not so sure even of my beliefs of you. Maybe it's time to stop, and to be realistic about what it is now. I really hate to have to do this, because I believe that it's fairer to judge you based on how you've been with me. What everybody else says about, will to some extent, be a little biased, or a little exaggerated, or a little twisted. I thought trusting you from my own knowledge of you is the most suitable way. But the reasons cease to exist now, more and more lately. Time will reveal everything to me slowly.
You know, with all being said. Maybe it's still my fault. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to believe in your words, for wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, for being in denial, and being unable to accept the truth. Truth hurts. Maybe that is why I never truly understood why what happened to us, happened. Even till today. When people asked me, my answer remains the same. I really said I don't know. Maybe because the truth hurts, that you didn't dare to tell it to me honestly right from the start. And how much pain could I have been spared, if only you had been courageous enough to tell me the truth I deserve. I'm the kind of person, who rather be given the truth than be given a sweet lie. It will hurt terribly but at least you can shorten my pain.
*
I have a feeling, that we both have different versions of the story. Time has passed long enough, that maybe it's completely different and even inaccurate now. The state that we are now ain't helping too. So. It's okay. Let it remain that way then, let you remain that way, let me be the person who lost in this story.
Looking back, I begin to see certain things and the things I used to be harsh on myself for, the personal goals of mine to become better so that I'm happy and you're happy, the things I had to do to make my life more bearable when I'm missing you like crazy but you're in camp, all that feelings and thoughts put into this, I don't know what to say. When something doesn't work out, it's never one person's fault. It take two hands to clap, and if I'm the only one who's cherishing what we have so much more than you, if I'm the only one who can see the future even though when we are growing up together it gets a little bumpy, one day I'll tire out and just not be right. It's funny, I thought I will tire out faster than you, but apparently not. I didn't know I'm stronger than you this way.
The consolation I can seek comfort in, is that at least the life I'm living now, is so beautiful and insightful that every day I'm thankful just to be alive. I seek comfort that I'm recovering, and that I'm happy I can recover, and I'm proud of myself. "What's past has passed, and there is no point looking back when the road ahead is long and the scenery beautiful." I will lead my life, and you yours. Good energy is surrounding me now, and like what I've learnt from you, I will never let them go like how you let me go.
I really really really wish now, that I haven't met you.
Thinking about how my life would turn out without you and all the shit you brought me, while you are there caring only about your reputation, disgusts me so terribly.
I thought I was the only one who could see your kind heart and I stood by you. I stood by you even when times are tough and I stood by you even when I'm struggling. Do you, even know how I feel?
But now, I don't even dare to imagine the kind of things you spoke of me to your friends.
The things you think are the truth, are so ridiculously untrue. I guess I'm both lucky, and unlucky, to hear stuffs about what you've said about me to others, from other people's mouths. It's so unbelivable yknow.
I'm sure you know it deep down yourself, who was the one who got hurt badly.
I used to choose not to say anything much about us, anything bad about you simply because I understand why you do certain things and I believe and trust you. But lately even the people I talk to, pointed out that I am still protecting you even before I realise it myself.
But now, knowing that you haven't done the same for me... I feel too tired to continue on knowing that what I'm doing, is like slotting coins in a coin machine that will never give me the drink. Believing and trusting you was good for myself honestly, for quite a good while. But now I'm not so sure even of my beliefs of you. Maybe it's time to stop, and to be realistic about what it is now. I really hate to have to do this, because I believe that it's fairer to judge you based on how you've been with me. What everybody else says about, will to some extent, be a little biased, or a little exaggerated, or a little twisted. I thought trusting you from my own knowledge of you is the most suitable way. But the reasons cease to exist now, more and more lately. Time will reveal everything to me slowly.
You know, with all being said. Maybe it's still my fault. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to believe in your words, for wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, for being in denial, and being unable to accept the truth. Truth hurts. Maybe that is why I never truly understood why what happened to us, happened. Even till today. When people asked me, my answer remains the same. I really said I don't know. Maybe because the truth hurts, that you didn't dare to tell it to me honestly right from the start. And how much pain could I have been spared, if only you had been courageous enough to tell me the truth I deserve. I'm the kind of person, who rather be given the truth than be given a sweet lie. It will hurt terribly but at least you can shorten my pain.
*
I have a feeling, that we both have different versions of the story. Time has passed long enough, that maybe it's completely different and even inaccurate now. The state that we are now ain't helping too. So. It's okay. Let it remain that way then, let you remain that way, let me be the person who lost in this story.
Looking back, I begin to see certain things and the things I used to be harsh on myself for, the personal goals of mine to become better so that I'm happy and you're happy, the things I had to do to make my life more bearable when I'm missing you like crazy but you're in camp, all that feelings and thoughts put into this, I don't know what to say. When something doesn't work out, it's never one person's fault. It take two hands to clap, and if I'm the only one who's cherishing what we have so much more than you, if I'm the only one who can see the future even though when we are growing up together it gets a little bumpy, one day I'll tire out and just not be right. It's funny, I thought I will tire out faster than you, but apparently not. I didn't know I'm stronger than you this way.
The consolation I can seek comfort in, is that at least the life I'm living now, is so beautiful and insightful that every day I'm thankful just to be alive. I seek comfort that I'm recovering, and that I'm happy I can recover, and I'm proud of myself. "What's past has passed, and there is no point looking back when the road ahead is long and the scenery beautiful." I will lead my life, and you yours. Good energy is surrounding me now, and like what I've learnt from you, I will never let them go like how you let me go.
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